August 31, 2010

Tough

Yesterday was an especially tough day.  If you'd asked me why I couldn't have put my finger on it.  But all day it kept building until I had a few minutes by myself and it all hit me. A cascade of regrets that washed over me and held me captive for a little while.  Things I wish I had done.  Things I wish hadn't changed.  Things I would do over if I could.  Things I had that I miss.  So, yeah...that lasted most of the day but I hid it as well as I could.  I only cracked a little and I don't think anyone noticed.  Not that anyone would.  Today is better, I think.
I know life is full of changes and regrets and fond memories of happier times.  Sometimes I get lost in the past and stop looking ahead.  Sometimes I turn my focus inward...on me.  Letting go of the hand that supports me, I stumble and sink into my little melt down pot where I sit in the dark all by myself.  Eating worms.  But eating worms is boring and it really doesn't make me feel any better.  Besides, they really don't taste all that good.  Kinda bitter.
Life is full of all kinds of things and most of them are things to look forward to, not hide from.  So I get a grip and look up toward the light that my help comes from...again.  Sheepishly reaching up for a hand and wondering why I ever let go in the first place.
We talked about fear in our ladies' Sunday School Class this week.  One point that was made was that we don't know what's going to end up in our cup of life.  But one thing we do know is that Jesus drank that cup for us on the cross and our name is safe in His mouth.  And no matter what happens, we know how the story ends.

2 thoughts about my meanderings:

Princess Eilonwy said...

What an excellent post! I face these emotional struggles almost every day... it's encouraging to know others are facing them as well! And what's more encouraging is seeing you trust; reminding me to trust even when it seems so hard.

wanderer said...

Thanks, Princess. These cycling emotions make me feel like I'm a teen again so we may have more in common than one might think! :) Love to the family from PA.

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