April 27, 2011

Is it too empty or too full?

Some times I ponder about the course my life has taken.  I'm a bit overwhelmed by some of the pain.  Not that I want to put undo importance on myself or do the whole "low self esteem is really too much self esteem" but it's hard to put it into perspective.  And the very people who are quick to say "Get over it." or "You're making too much of this.", have not walked in my shoes and have not been the one on the receiving end of it for all these years.  However, they are also the ones who are quick to bemoan their own issues and judge others.  It's kind of the "Holier than Thou." sort of thing that makes them think their trials are more trying and their sorrows more sorrowful than those of others.  That's also what makes them unfit to even comment on mine.
Some days, I just don't care.  I may not do everything right or even come close, but I'm doing the best I can, at least the majority of the time.  None of my efforts are worth squat except when I turn them over to God.  Yes, I do the Indian giver thing...here, help me with this... no, not like that, like this...well, You're busy and I need to work this out now so I'll just take it back...it's too heavy!  I can't breathe!...OK, can you help me?  Just reach down here and pull me out...please?...Could you just fix this without me having to change?
I don't understand but there's nothing I can do about it.  I can only change me, not others; so if they want to continue the way things have been going, all I can do is take the fall out and bear it as best I can.
It's true that I'm just a sinner who doesn't deserve any special treatment, in fact, being just that, I deserve every miserable thing that happens and more.  But somehow, it feels like there should be a little hope this side of heaven for some of these things.  Am I really that bad?  I guess when you stop and look at it, maybe the deadliest monster really is me.
So, if that's true, how do I do this?  It's not the storybook or the safe little bubble of a life that some enjoy.  But there has to be meaning here somewhere.  There just has to be...doesn't there?  I WANT the storybook.
And since I can't change anyone but me, I wish I could go back and make decisions that I wanted to make instead of making them to please others who aren't pleased with them anyway. 
If I had the chance to go back, I'd certainly look at things differently.  And I wouldn't allow the bias of someone else to influence the choices I make.  I've made so many mistakes based on the narrow minded, closed opinions of others and for those mistakes, I'll pay eternally.  Oh, I've been forgiven, before the end, by God and someone I've hurt, but I can NEVER, ever get back the time wasted by the foolishness that has been influenced by someone that I thought would never mislead me or hurt me. 
It's long past time that I stopped allowing those influences to govern my life and put all the foolishness aside.  There will always be consequences for my stupidity but I'm thankful for a few moments to set things right or to realize that maybe my reasons were understood a little better than I thought.  That time is something no one can take away from me...ever.  And I thank God for it.
And in the midst of this commentary, I have to stop and look at my life.  Right now, I'm in a period of blessing that I thought would never come.  So how silly is all this?  Imperfection doesn't equal failure.  In spite of myself, I can do good things and experience good things...not because I deserve them but because God loves me.  So where are all these regrets and misgivings coming from?  Me?  No, I don't think so.  There's a joy-sucking, sorrow-mongering, unrest-promoting, self-esteem seeking, wretch who would like nothing better than to turn my thoughts inward to focus on my own poor excuse for a story and divide me from any happiness that comes my way.
Let me just write it down as a record of the realization of what is going on here..."Satan, get thee behind me!"
So, is my cup too empty?  Or too full?  I'm thinking its really too full but in my wretched state of mind, I couldn't see it that way.

There are those who say that these raw, vulnerable posts should be saved for a private diary or never spoken out loud because pride and the chance that it shows us in the light of a fallen star are not the kind of words that should come from our mouths.  You know, don't air your dirty laundry.  I disagree.  There maybe folks who read this and know exactly where I'm standing today...they may be there too.  If I can start out on such a low note and write myself into a state of awareness that brings me back into the path I'm meant to follow, maybe I can bring someone else along with me.  Maybe they feel what I feel but aren't in the frame of mind to even reach out for help today.  If reading my vulnerability lets them know they are not alone and can encourage them to seek the help they need then I don't mind if I sound like a pitiable fool.

So, today, I will take courage.  Today, I will act like the warrior princess I am meant to be and fight the good fight! That's a story worth reading.  I am worthy because Christ died for me.

April 10, 2011

Sometimes I get this rambling feeling that keeps me from focusing...I just seem to be helpless.  And yet, when I have that feeling, I also feel like the words need to flow to make room or just to reorganize. 

It's kind of like a bunch of half thoughts drifting around looking for a place to anchor but not finding one, they just keep meandering until the speed of the chaos makes my head ache.  Once it passes, I'll have trouble remembering many of the thoughts that actually made me stop and realize they had some merit.  I don't like feeling this way. 
There are useful things in the mix and things that are nothing more than rambling...trouble is that I probably can't even say I pondered them but merely that they passed this way.  I think sleeping longer would have a very good shot at improving some of these issues but I can't seem to get more than 5 hours no matter what time I go to sleep.  Too many things fighting for the top of the pile...I know some of them were important and that I should have remembered them but even if I make an effort to write them down, many are lost in the time it took for me to realize it.  Then I'm left wondering what it was that I thought I should write down.  It frightens me to think about what the future will be if this continues. 


Life is funny sometimes.  It has it's quirky little twists and turns.  And then it has some dead stops, u-turns and rerouting that make life an interesting and sometimes scary place to be.  Sometimes, we take the good stuff and the blessings for granted but, truth be told, we don't deserve even one of them.  But they are just that...granted... by grace.  Bestowed by a loving heavenly father who knows just how sinful we are but loves us just the same. 
Being in a certain place at a certain time doesn't make that so...spending our time with a certain group of people doesn't make it so either.  It's easy to spend time with folks who have the same worldview that we have but it's quite another to mingle with folks who see things differently than we do.  To show the love that has granted blessings and forgiveness to us is a difficult task.  Often it seems as if we want to keep it a secret so we don't lose it.  To convince folks that there isn't anything they can do to earn it is even harder.  Those who share our view of life don't need to hear or see what we think because they agree.  But the others...they're the ones who need to see the grace acted out through us.  Otherwise, what's the use?  If they see us acting like everyone else, what incentive do they have to to consider our point of view? 
So, don't judge me because I'm not where you think I should be.  Maybe I'm right where I'm supposed to be. 
'Cuz you don't know my heart. 

Popular Meanderings