February 27, 2011

Sunday Morning Musings

It's still early...I'm notorious for being an early riser and I like to write while the house is quiet and still.  Sometimes my thoughts just need a place to spill over and fill the space with my random ponderings.  Not because I'm so very intellectual or anything...just because I'm so scatter-brained!

Today feels like a peaceful day with calm weather that still breaths cold winter air onto the frosty rooftops of the Appalachians.  Not sure I'm putting much faith in the wily looks of an innocent rodent surrounded by loud music, shouting crowds who've already been imbibing at 6AM, bright lights and TV cameras.  It's been nearly 4 weeks since his historic prognostication of an early spring.  Aside from a two day heatwave, one could scarcely tell the difference.  I think it may have been a pressured decision due to the fact that it was his 125th anniversary!

But I've no doubt that Lady Spring is, once again, slumbering peacefully at the base of this mighty mountain range somewhere in Virginia.  She'll soon come softly over the ridges toward the little valley where I live in search of a place to wile away the summer.  As the warming rains and gentle breezes slowly melt away the winter chill, I'm sitting here, once again, coffee in hand, perusing the seed catalogs over and over and making plans for things to come. 

We're looking forward to seeing our oldest daughter over spring break.  It will be nice to spend time with her and her friend who will be visiting for a few days.  I'm trying not to plan too many things for her time because so often there are folks to visit and things to do and before you know it, it's time for her to go.  My first impulse is to be selfish...I don't want to share her.  There are so many things to talk about and yet it seems we never find time to get around to taking care of the important things because we're just happy to be together.

As the days begin to warm a few degrees, the sugaring season has begun.  I'm looking forward to steamy days and nights spent 'round the evaporator just enjoying the time together, sampling the maple "tea"  as it slowly condenses into a lovely brown syrup.  It's always amazing to me that you can taste the sugar in the sap as it comes right from the tree.  Its also amazing that some folks prefer the high fructose corn syrup variety from the store to this wonderful, mineral rich, true maple syrup.  A whole food that I can harvest right in my own back yard.

Well, there are stirrings in the house and soon the whir of activity will descend on me so I guess it's time for my musings to end for today.  Or, more accurately, for me to stop recording my musings for now.

February 12, 2011

Every Once in a While...

I get a little melancholy but I can't really put my finger on the cause.
I'm blessed by something someone does or says unexpectedly.
I feel very close to God.
I feel like I'm invisible.
I'd like to go back about 25 years and redo a few things but keep the same people in my life.
I thank God for my trials.
I like to be alone.
I wish upon a star.
I'm thankful for God's great mercy toward me.
I realize I'm trying to carry the load by myself.
I smile at a stranger because they look lonely.
I eat things I know I shouldn't.
I feel guilty for taking time for myself.
I enjoy just being one of the kids.
I realize I'm getting old.
I feel like I could go away and no one would miss me.
I like to write stories.
I eat weird things.
I read children's book when I'm alone.
I talk to myself.
I feel angry.
I'd like to let go of my inhibitions.
I believe in magic... like in faerie tales.  Or Christmas  Or love... Or Aslan.
I stand in the yard and hold out my arms in the wind...as if I could fly.
I hope to see a shooting star.
I wonder what it would be like to be wealthy.
I realize that I have everything I need...and more.
I wish I had been born about 200 years earlier.
I think I see my favorite cat but realize that she's been gone for 5 years.
I hear my dad's voice.
I miss my family.
I like to make things.
I bite my lip and throw away something that could be used again.
I eat the last piece.
I find my strengths.
I sing really loud in the car.
I imagine all sorts of things.
I like to wear colonial or renaissance clothing.
I curse! But there's a limit to my choice of words.
I love to read fairy tales.
I wish I had more time to be creative.
I think that I could write a book.
I make homemade medicine.
I try new things.
I feel stuck in a rut.
I wander around aimlessly.
I talk too much.
I like to sit in the dark.  But sometimes I'm afraid of the dark.
I want to move into the mountains to be a hermit.
I hate the way people act.
I reach out to someone who doesn't know me.
I like to dance.
I try to fix other people's problems. (It can go either way.)
I love the smell of grass...and flowers...and pine trees.
I go into the woods to make up stories about dwarfs and wild straws.
I ponder the random meanderings of my restless mind.
I fall back in Jesus' arms and hide there.
I judge others.
I try to help people who are hurting...or stupid!
I swing on a rope swing in the tree.
I go rollerskating.
I laugh until my cheeks hurt.
I take people at their word and get burnt.
I'm surprised by the lack of verbal communication.  I like to talk face to face, not via txt or fb!
I long for the days when my girls were young.
I try to find myself in the menagerie that is me.
I wonder what the meaning of things might be.  I think too much!
I drink too much coffee.
I save too many things.
I like to take out my frustrations on my heavy bag.
I get sentimental about things I no longer use but hate to part with.
I feel rhymy and write a silly poem.
I wish someone would call me just to talk.
I have a tea party with my daughters or friends.
I keep secrets.
I forget.
I wish we were off the grid.
I like to hula hoop.
I like to be in community theater plays...on stage or behind the scenes.
I can't sleep.....like now.

Sharing these meanderings
with the folks @
  Jenny Matlock

February 2, 2011

Once upon a time

Once upon a time I had a dream.  But it's shattered.  Since most of my adult life has been pretty much about my husband and kids, I found myself looking at the future and wondering who I really am.  Do I even have an identity outside the person I've become as a wife and mother?  I'm sure every mom who's dedicated themselves to not only raising their family but also homeschooling them goes through this.  Moms who've stayed home to be there when their kids needed them most instead of working at a job that gave them an identity.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, only that we decided I'd be a stay at home mom instead.  Not that I regret a moment of it or that I'd change a thing or even stop being those things...no, not at all.  I love those things.  But there's going to come a time when all those things are going to be less occupying than they are right now.  What then?  I'm left feeling a little vulnerable...worthless, maybe.   Invisible. 

I've been developing some of my interests into a more serious venue over the past 20+ years and I'd finally come to the place where I could begin to realize some dreams for the future...me...my personal future.  Not just little crafty dreams to occupy my time, but becoming the person I wanted to be. I love to learn new things and all the knowledge I've gained in this area was a really good background for the future me.  The things I wanted to leave behind for my family...not really to make a name for myself but just something that was unique to me...but I guess I'm just a fool.  I still have things I have to do for others first.  When I started to pursue my dream, I had to go slow and work around the other things in my life that I love...things that are important to me.  More important than me.  Then life took a few turns that needed all my attention.  And I had to put aside thoughts about the future me.  I was weak and needed all the strength I had just to maintain my home.  I couldn't be selfish...not now.  I thought I could just work at my own pace and by the time my children had graduated from high school, I would be ready to launch into something new...something that made me feel a little selfish because it was a special thing I was doing for myself.  Did I dare?  I wanted to be a person who was still needed...I found that I like to be needed...almost like a new person...a better person...a really useful person.

Sometimes I talk too much.  I thought I'd found something that I could do...be...that's exciting and just...me and I talk.  That's what most folks do when they are interested in something.  Then the next thing I know, someone's stolen my dream.  Someone I thought was a friend.  Jumped in and took my plans and left me standing here with no identity of my own.  There's no way that I can even begin to say how that makes me feel.  It hurts.  I feel betrayed.  Anything I try to do now will only be a shadow of someone else.  I've already been accused of trying to follow.  But it was my dream!  Mine!  But I talk too much.  I remember the greedy look on her face when she asked me, for the umpteenth time, what I was doing and I finally told her.  After I'd done all the digging, I just handed it to her.   So, what's left for me?  Right now it looks like that dream has died.  I feel really worthless now.  But I'm certain that she doesn't care...why should she care?  She has the dream.

Oh, I'm still a wife and mother and I don't mean to say that isn't important.  Again, I wouldn't trade the memories we've made for anything.  It's just that I really needed to find myself outside of that.  And to think that it's all my own fault for sharing and being excited about a dream makes me feel really stupid.  The first time in a long time that I've done something just for me; to try to find my place.  But now, I'm just lost.  Like one of those dolls without a face.

Popular Meanderings