September 11, 2012

Whispers of Change

It's been a while since I've written here.  My mind feels like a hollow tree, filled with a lonely, dark emptiness disturbed occasionally by the quick passage of some small chirp or twitter of an idea.  But they are gone all too quickly leaving me here in the void.  It's discouraging and somewhat unnerving to feel so helpless and empty.  Life is passing me by and I feel like I have little control over where it takes me or rather if it takes me anywhere at all.  It's an effort to keep this to myself but I've been doing my best to go on as though nothing out of the ordinary is happening.  To maintain the status quo and protect this insanity from the prying questions that only increase the pressure.  Sometimes I'm afraid.

Lately, there have been a few niggles or nudges...some flutterings of new life.  There's a twinkle of hope somewhere above me and I've shifted my focus from looking down...or back...toward that glimmer somewhere near the top of this vertical tunnel of grey light.  But these worries are keeping me grounded and I think my shoelaces are caught on a snag somewhere down below.  The knot is slipping and I can feel the urge to spread my wings and yet I haven't the energy to do more than fluff my feathers.  There's a part of me that wants to snuggle in for a long nap and forget this nagging feeling of reaching out to the light...but sleep often eludes me and I'm captured by the thoughts of all these cares...a prisoner of doubt and fear...I can't escape.  It's lonely facing this reality by myself. I'm not good at solutions...plans...I'm more of a follower than a leader.  I can be a good worker...a helper...really, I can.  But I don't like to make decisions.  It's never been one of my strengths.  Solving other peoples problems seems's so clear when you're on the outside looking into their life.  But  there are so many things that are only seen from one side of the looking glass.

Maybe I'll see a white rabbit bound for adventure or a white stag filled with strength that might sweep me up and leave all these problems behind.  This band around my head gets tighter all the time.  Brief sparkles of hope and happiness sustain me for a while and then fade.  But I can't communicate my concerns in a way that is understood.  There's always impatience and animosity or frustration that make me pull back inside.  The feelings make me quake and shiver...they need to get out.  I guess that's what this is all attempt to say what's on my mind.

As I've prayed before, "Please, reach down here and pull me out!"  I don't even know where to begin to make a change in this place that feels like home but only in the mirror.  Like I'm stuck in a bubble where I watch my world pass by around me but I can't seem to pass through the dim veil that keeps me in this wretched place...apart from those who care about me...and life.

April 22, 2012

Complacency, Pride and the Mid~Life Crisis

You've heard the sage adage that "You're as Young as You Feel!"  I think there are two parts to that.  The mental aspect and the physical reality...or is it complacency?  I think that's my reality.
It would be foolish to say that I've stayed on top of my game since my early years.  I've slowly put on weight and struggled to get it off again (unsuccessfully) and I've allowed myself to be held back by "things" that shouldn't be allowed to have that much sway in my reality.
Mentally, I've always felt like I was still in my early that young at heart or immature at your discretion...I've felt like I was in a time warp where the world and life go on but I stopped aging...or at least slowed down..  Not really what you'd call strongly opinionated (although there are some who would disagree with that), just willing to go with the least most of the time, except on faith.  I think that makes me a poor planner.
But now that my kids are older, I find myself drawing strength from them.  They're having so much more fun and I'm starting to realize that it's no one's fault but my own.  I think that's the root of the mid-life crisis. Complacency.  And Pride.  And then awakening...realization...the thought of death... maybe not physical but the death of your dreams.
I'm not afraid to die.  I know where I'm going at the end of this brief span of my life.  But it stinks to suddenly come face to face with the idea that you can't do all the things you've done in the past or that you're not going to do all the things you've always wanted to do.  You're not as spry as you once were.  But that's reality and one I should have seen coming.

There are those among us who can't bear it.  As the beauty of youth slips away, no matter how hard they've tried to hang onto it, reality hits.  We're getting old, we haven't achieved all that we'd hoped, we're not as happy as we thought we'd be in our lives and sadly, in our relationships, too.  And then all of a sudden, the values we've  purported to believe become twisted and spun into self serving weapons. I've outgrown you. Why can't you be like _______?  I've become more spiritual than you.

You mean while your spouse has been out working 40 hours a week plus all the overtime available to make you happy and provide for the family, he hasn't had time to study whatever it is you think he should know?  Or been as big a part of the kids lives as you thought he should be because when he comes home he's tired?  Or because he hasn't jumped on the latest bandwagon you've allowed to take over your that good or bad...but he's allowed you to pursue?  Is it because you feel like you're...better than he is?

That's pride...short and sweet.  It's a trap we could all fall into.  Yeah, life didn't turn out the way we'd planned...but maybe it's better and we can't see it.  The salvation for a lot of marriages comes from stepping back from our anger and bitterness or self absorbed woes to see what God has to say about it. I'm not going to list scripture here but if you need help finding it, let me know.
  • First...pride is a sin.  But we all knew that right?
  • Second...please don't blame any bad decisions on God. Although the attitude of elevated spirituality (piously disguised as humility) comes across as condescension, it's as transparent as a child thinking you can't see the wiggling bump under the covers because they can't see you. Besides, I'm pretty sure He's not going to like it.
  • Third...God is never going to ask us to do something that is a direct violation to His word.  His will for our lives is not going to contradict what He's told us to do.  Like it's okay, now that things didn't turn out the way you'd planned, to walk away from the promises you made at the alter.  Those promises were made to God as well as your spouse.  Or that because you don't want the same things, it's okay not to be submissive. 
(On a side note:  Why are women today so afraid of that word?  It doesn't mean domination or slavery, it means security and teamwork. Many of us today have become control freaks!  You know it's true!  We've been home all day bossing the kids around and planning every move they make (especially we homeschooling moms) and how things are gonna be and we can't give up the control when it's time to make decisions for the entire family.  Yes, our opinion is important and a wise husband takes that into consideration, but the teamwork required for a biblical marriage also makes the husband the team captain!  He considers the options and makes the call with the input of his team.  It's his job! And ours is to go out and execute the a TEAM. Not to go out and do our own thing in opposition to the plan.  Now I'm not a big football fan but I know that when the team is in the huddle, and the play is set, the players don't go out and decide to something completely different.  Yeah, they have to make choices and they may have to tweak  things a bit as the other team closes in but they can't disregard the play because they don't want to do it that way.  Their teammates can't read their mind.  They may have their moment to shine as an individual but they won't last long on the team if they don't play together.)

Okay, I guess I'll stop now.  I just needed to get that out.  Sometimes it makes me crazy to watch people who would have others think they are so perfect, spiritual and humble get to the point where they can't maintain it any more...they crash and burn, hurting people and dragging others down along with them.  Everything is someone else's fault and they try to justify their sinful behavior by making themselves the victim.  Then they top it off with the idea that God was really directing them to make this decision that is clearly a conflict to what He tells us in His Word.

Here's another old saying..."Two wrongs don't make a right."

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,

Just FYI...In Case You Were Wondering

Felt like I needed to say that I've been in a sort of funk the last several months and have found it hard to write much.  I haven't given up but I'm behind.
Besides the blank feeling, I've had a few extra things going on in my life.  So all this to say, hopefully, I'll see you on the other side of whatever this is very soon.

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,

April 2, 2012

The Wall #43

Jenny MatlockJenny's reached the 100th Saturday Centus and in honor of that milestone, she's using her very first prompt over again.  This one is more lengthy than her later prompts and poses a challenge much more specific.  She's giving us a word limit of 100 words plus the prompt to see where life takes us.  To join in with your own take on this story line or read what others have written, click on the Saturday Centus badge to the left.
Here's my spin...

 ~ My untied shoelace changed my life. As I leaned down to retie it, I kicked away a few leaves. When I turned my head slightly to look where the leaves had been, I was astonished to see a rubber-banded wad of hundred dollar bills nestled in a little indention in the muddy ground.
I stood up slowly and took a nonchalant look around. There didn't appear to be anyone watching so I finished tying my shoe and scooped up the bundle as casually as I could considering how fast my heart was beating. Once I'd stashed it in my bag, I peered into the opening, turning the soggy bundle over. There was a note attached that read, “If you want the key, meet me at 7PM at the old house. Bring the money. Come alone.”
Feeling like a deer, caught in the headlights, I slowly lowered my bag and looked around, again. ~

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,

The Wall #42

Jenny MatlockWe're closing in on two years of Saturday Centus prompts from our fearless leader, Jenny Matlock.  I've only been along for the ride for 40+ weeks and I've been having such a good time dreaming up an ongoing story that works within her guidelines.  Today, she's given us 100 words plus the prompt.

Here we go!

Walking past the bakery, I noticed a man leaning over the counter as if to tell the baker a secret but speaking boisterously. 
 Through the screen door, I heard, "I'm living the dream, man...nothing's gonna get in my way. Once I've finished this job, I'll be rollin' in dough!" 
The baker smiled a wry smile and shook his head. He looked up as I passed and quickly looked away. The fellow began to turn around but something told me to duck out of sight.
Judging by the slang he'd used, the fellow was an American. Did this have something to do with me? ~

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,

March 22, 2012

The Wall #41

Jenny MatlockIt's week 98 of Jenny Matlock's Saturday Centus writing challenge and she's written a prompt and chosen a word limit centered around the the number, "98" for this week's assignment.  You can join in the fun by clicking on the button to the left.
So let's get to it...join me for the 41st installment of The Wall, a continuing story based solely on the weekly prompts at Saturday Centus...

~She brought out a small, well worn leather journal from her apron pocket. In it were photos of Matthew, her family and friends...including Grandpa. She lovingly turned the pages and related bits of history as she fondly ran her fingers over each one as if to communicate with the folks pictured there. The smile that played over her face spoke as clearly as her words. Inside the cover you could read her name, written in faded script, and in the corner, the price of the was only ninety-eight cents...a very small price for so many dear memories.~

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

March 11, 2012

I don't know why.

Sometimes it's hard to see where things are going.
You might think you know but then life takes a turn you never saw coming.
Sometimes they are awesome blessings and sometimes, merely postponements of the inevitable.
And sometimes they are trials.
If you've been reading here for a while you know that I often struggle with the
"whys" behind the things that happen.  Not really because I don't trust God to do His will in my life but because I'm a bit of a control freak or maybe just a nib.  I'm good with God's plan but I'd like to have a heads-up so I know what to expect.  Is that too much to ask?  I guess it is.
Anyway, as I've said before, it seems like every time I make plans to do something, especially something that includes other people, something more important happens that requires my attention and I have to let them down.  I just hate doing that!  There's no way I could see what was coming or prevented myself from entering into the situation.  It wasn't something I jumped into...I prayed about it many time before hand.  And if I wasn't meant to do it, I wonder why the door did't close earlier.  I mean, if the reason I had to step away from things was because I wasn't supposed to be a part of it, why did I earn my spot in the first place?  See what I mean?  I need answers to the "why" questions.
But my 16yo had it all figured out and explained to me in that parental voice she adopts when she knows something I haven't figured out yet.  I gotta tell's kinda annoying even when she's right!  But I'm sure she feels that way when I know something she doesn't know.

It's been kinda crazy the past few weeks and you know that saying about things happening in threes?  Well, the first turn in the road was diverted for a time and we're thankful for that.
Prayers for blessings when the time comes and help to maintain until that time.
The next one is kinda ongoing and it's something that I pray about all the time.
But this one, well, I'm kinda the support group for this one.  Prayerfully hanging onto God's hand as this sharp turn goes off into unknown, scary territory.

Anyway, God knows best and maybe it's His way of correcting my little steps to realign them with His will for my life.  It's comforting to know that He can see the big picture and has a spot all set up for me.
It's even more comforting to know that He will be right beside us all the way because this turn in the road is a trial.  May I be a light for Jesus all through this situation and perhaps someone may find Him through me.

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

The Wall # 40

Jenny MatlockOne bit of extremely good news, one of extremely bad news and a daughter farming in Europe is preoccupying my mind this week.   
Here's Jenny's prompt...5 sentences of 5 words each for a total of 25 with a theme of "Good things Come in Fives."
Here's my spin on that in relation to The Wall.

Moving to a new home.
Married to a fine man. 
Planning a new life together.
Dreams of children frolicking about.
Good things but anxious thoughts.

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

March 3, 2012

The Wall #39

Jenny MatlockJenny's prompt for this week's Saturday Centus sounds kinda melancholy.  She's given us a word limit of 100 words plus the prompt to use to create our tale.
If you're new here and care to know where the foundation for today's portion of The Wall started, you can click on the title to read the whole story from the beginning. It's been 39 weeks since I first joined Saturday Centus.   That was the beginning of my tale and I try to weave each week's prompt into the ongoing story line.
Please click on the button at the top to share your own story inspired by the weekly prompt and to read what others have to say.  It's amazing to see how many different directions a word prompt can go!
Here's the lasted addition to The Wall... 

~ Later, Anna knocked on our door carrying a tray of tea and cookies. Wally had gone with Matthew to get supplies. After pouring tea, she sat down near the window and gazed thoughtfully through the panes. After a few moments, she turned to smile at me.
Her story began with the end of the war and her marriage to Matthew. Moving into the inn with his family, who had been the proprietors for nearly 125 years, she'd felt at home. Anna left her folks in the south and admitted that saying goodbye was harder than she thought...but her new life, though dull to some, excited her. ~

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

March 1, 2012

The Wall #38

Jenny MatlockI suspect this week's prompt from Jenny ties in with some events in her life this week. She's given us 100 words plus our prompt to write a tale.  I'm still continuing my story of The Wall that centers around some family intrigue.

Let me take a moment to share a few photos of a lovely lady who passed away last week.  This is my husband's grandma who lived 99 incredible years and loved her family so much ~ all 80+ of them!
We'll miss her very much.

And now my take on this week's Saturday Centus prompt.

~These words were written on the back of the photo. I looked questioningly at Anna.  She smiled, nodding her head....the man was Grandpa. He had been Matthew's best man. Their hospitality to me no longer spoke only of Old World charm but of deep friendship.
Another picture showed Anna in a large chair with children scattered around her feet. She was being honored by her family on her wedding day. The chair dominated the small room like a throne. She looked like a princess in her wedding dress.
As I opened my mouth to ask a question, she put her finger to her lips and winked.~

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,

February 29, 2012

In Between is one of those in between days when you know things are gonna happen but you don't know if they're gonna be good or bad.

You've heard the old adage, "When it rains, it pours."haven't you?

Well, the storm is building, I can see the dark clouds just over the ridge and I'm standing out in the wind.  This week will tell whether it's gonna hit or blow over. I just hope my feet are firmly planted so I'm not swept away like debris in a flood or a cow in a tornado.

I don't like storms.  But they fascinate me.  The massive power and tremendous gathering of nature to form so formidable a force that cannot be contained is awesome.  Often devastating but awesome.

So, I guess it follows that I don't like strife, frustration, uncertainty...change.  I like things to stay comfortable but who doesn't.  But I also like a little keep things flowing nicely...flood control to turn the tide...damage control to keep things from going too far...denial to protect me from pain...forgetfulness to put the hurtfulness behind me and lock it out.  Maybe you could call that selective memory.

I'm trying really hard to leave it all in God's hands but I'm willing to admit I'm scared.  If you read this and feel inclined to, please pray...I'd like to say pray that God will consider the desires of my/our heart and basically send a happy ending in about 4 situations that are coming to a head this week but I know that's not always the plan.  I know He is all powerful and could do that if He wanted to but I also know that He is all knowing and can see the big picture.  I can't do that so it may be hard for me to understand right now.

I guess the way to do it is to pray the prayer that never fails..."God's will be done."  And that He'll give me/us the "peace that passes all understanding."  And hope my desires line up with that enough to bring the answers I'd hoped for.  Not because I deserve it...I let Him down all the time...just because that's what He wants for me/us.

To ponder my way through all the "what if's" and possible scenarios searching for answers to my endless "why?" questions is my human nature but it's really pointless.  It only adds to the force of the wind and increases my unsteadiness.

Did I mention that I don't like storms?  That's the kind of awesome power I prefer to watch from a distance. You know what I mean... you can see the rain and feel the wind...the dark clouds look like they're looming right over your head and a few bits of hail fall against the window...but then it's gone as quickly as it came, choosing a different path than the one you're on...the sun sends its reassuring rays past the lingering storm clouds to let you know it's gonna be okay.  And then, the still silence as the wind calms and you walk outside to stand in the afterglow because you feel so much closer to God that way.

I'll be looking for those rays of sunshine this week and clinging to the hope that the storm will pass and we'll have weathered it well.

No matter how it plays out, I hope my response will be honoring to God and His love for me.

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,

February 18, 2012

The Wall #37 and then some.

Jenny Matlock

Jenny's being spunky today with a dandy of a challenge ...because she's like that!  We don't have a word prompt to work into our tale but we have 6...yes, you read that right!...six words to write an "autobriefagraphical" or autobiography!  Yikes!

I don't want to break my streak of continuing the story of The Wall so here's a little truth about me that fits in with the theme and the story.

~ "Searching for answers, intrigued by history." ~

or aside from The Wall...

"Living my life moment by moment."

If you chose to say something about this post, and I dearly love hearing from you, my preference is a comment below.  But if you're having trouble, please email me instead.

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

February 14, 2012

The Wall #36

Jenny MatlockThis week we're using a prompt inspired by Jenny's world.  We have 100 words plus the prompt (total of 106) to write our tale.
Since this week is crazy with activity, I'll get right to it.
Here's my continuation of The Wall...

~ I couldn't help but notice the box on the sideboard next morning. It was full of pictures, books and various mementos.
After the dishes were cleared, we got up to go but Anna motioned for us to sit down. She pulled a photo album from the box and opened it to a faded photo of a young couple standing in front of a vintage fire engine. They were holding on to each other and smiling. It was Matthew and Anna. The wedding was at the firehouse and other photos showed family and friends gathered around the couple. One fellow, in particular, looked very familiar to me. ~

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

February 6, 2012

What Does Love Look Like?

Most young people today don't know about love.

They think love looks like sex.
They don't stop to enjoy the little intricate parts of love that make up a relationship.
Without any restraint, the entire premise of their togetherness becomes about sex.
And only about sex...can you really build a relationship on that alone?
Not one that lasts. Not one that will build you up and make you a better person
when you're with that someone than when you're alone.

So what does love look like?
It's friendship.
Like finding yourself or coming home.
It's challenging and comforting.
It's a safe place. 
Demanding your best and accepting your worst
A touch, a glance, a thought.
Not walking away each time things don't go your way. 
Striving to find a solution, together.
Give and take ~ equally. 
Communication!  Never doubting.  Always knowing.

Sometimes just knowing is enough.
It can take you through the toughest times.

Sometimes just being at the same place is comforting.
You know they're there if you need them.

Maybe it's feeling that your name is safe in their mouth.
They'll never say hurtful things about you or tarnish your character.

Working on something together, toward the same goal.
Feeling a sense of togetherness in the satisfaction of teamwork.

Or maybe turning to find them looking at you from across the room.
The sensual space of separation and the meaning of a look.

Standing next to that someone may be all you need to feel love.
The camaraderie of togetherness often needs no touch.

Then there's the language that holding hands can speak.
Volumes of energy flowing from one fingertip to another.

Or arms length apart, face to face, looking into his eyes
and him holding both of your hands in his strong grip.  

Often, a hand at your waist or elbow can send a tingling sense of safety
through your heart and mind.  Your protector is there for you.

Walking side by side, the closeness of an arm around your waist...
and yours around his...hanging on as though you'll never let go.

Next to each other on the couch, snuggling up with 
as much contact as possible without crossing the line.

An actual face to face embrace, kept for a tender goodnight or
a meaningful moment is like the world stood still.

And these two haven't even kissed yet!
But the romance is so thick you can feel it in the air.

Is it a little warm in here?

Flirtation becomes a game of excitement and strength.
Guidelines help each to feel safe with the other
while not being afraid to explore their feelings and
find ways to express them that don't revolve around any form of sex.
Not a game to see how far they can go without giving in, 
that can be a bit like Russian Roulette because there's no going back.
Sure sex crosses their mind or maybe even fills their thoughts at times,
it would be foolish to think it didn't. 
But they don't act on it.  Not even close.
The power of knowing your own sexuality and controlling it opens up a whole new world of feelings and understandings that can build and sustain a relationship without resulting in pressure to make a conquest until your ready to build a life together and marry.

C. S. Lewis puts it like this...
"A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means.  This is an obvious lie.  Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is."

"When an adolescent or an adult is engaged in resisting a conscious desire, he is not dealing with a repression nor is he in the least danger of creating a repression.  On the contrary, those who are seriously attempting chastity are more conscious and soon know a great deal more about their own sexuality than anyone else.  They come to know their desires as Wellington knew Napoleon, or as Sherlock Holmes knew Moriarty; as a rat catcher know rats or a plumber knows about leaky pipes.  Virtue ~ even attempted virtue ~  brings light; indulgence brings fog."

That kind of love sounds a whole lot more exciting and romantic than meeting a physical desire and walking away.  The game of real love never only gets better and expands with time.

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

February 4, 2012

The Wall #35

Jenny MatlockGood Morning!  It's been an unseasonably warm week here in central PA with temps reaching near 55° F a few days!  I'm sure we're in for a cold snap now that the groundhog has seen his shadow!  Yes, we're from the same neck of the woods as Punxsutawney Phil, the famous prognosticator!

Jenny's focusing on some important things at home this week and taking the prompt from Nonna's suggestions.  She's given us 100 words plus the prompt for a total of 105. Click on the button at the left to read other stories or share one of your own.

I'm still plugging away at my ongoing tale that started 35 weeks ago with a prompt about a wall and a generous 200 word allotment.  Thanks for following along as the story grows.

~The inn's library contained a few military books. Wally found Matthew's name in the register. He'd fought for the allies, too. We tried to steer the conversation toward his service days but he seemed quiet and thoughtful.

Later, He and Anna sat together in the study, talking, like two peas in a pod. We headed to our room around 10 PM. Matthew followed us, disappearing up a flight of narrow stairs behind a small door at the end of the passage.

We heard him scuffling through boxes and bits of furniture...then a loud click and a slow, grating creak as a rusty trunk lid opened. ~

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love,

January 30, 2012

The Wall #34

Jenny MatlockJenny's taking the day off!  One of her readers had some story prompts to share so here's one from Nonna!
Please click on the Saturday Centus button to the left to join in with a story of your own or to see what others have to say.
We have a 100 word limit plus the prompt to give wings to our tale.
So here we go!

~But I was wrong.

We read that diary over and over without finding anything we thought was significant. A few things didn't make sense. Like a war mission that ended near here. Or when he overheard a strange conversation in a pub...

One day I fell asleep reading it for the umpteenth time. When I woke up, the book had fallen into a heap on my lap. I noticed the corner of a scrap of paper sticking out of the binding.

The words were written in Grandpa's hand and they sent a chill up my spine.

“...we know where all the bodies are buried....WMM040727 has been filed.”~

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,

January 21, 2012

The Wall #33

Jenny MatlockSo...I'm torn.
Today's assignment was to write a 150 word epilogue.
True, it was an epilogue to our cliffhanger and it's conclusion.
My first inclination...because I'm such a poop...
was that this was my hint,
my nudge,
my Waterloo...
I guess that's a little dramatic...
to bring this continuing tale to an end.
I told myself that everyone had had enough.
Jenny's trying to be kind.
 They are weary and ready to move on.
I mean, it's been the same old thing for the last 32 weeks.
So here...
without making this any more painful than it already is,
in 150 words...
is the epilogue,
the conclusion,
the final paragraphs in the saga of
~ The Wall.

Wally died as a result of the beating the thugs had given him after dragging his dazed body from the car as it hung over the cliff. Matthew admitted to being in on the plan and was taken into custody for receiving a large sum of money in exchange for ratting him out. While at the scene, they broke into my room again and tore pages from grandpa's ragged journal.
John thought a return letter might not get through so he met me at the inn a few days later where he learned of Wall's demise and joined me in a memorial service under the trees near the abandoned house.
We traveled back to John's home to examine the trunk.
The rusty lock opened easily.
The trunk was empty.

All the treasures Grandfather had shown us as children while telling us tales of his adventures...gone.

The mystery...dead.

The End.

But then, I thought to myself, NO!...I'm having too much fun writing this story!
I'm not ready
to give it up,
to throw in the towel,
to allow those thugs to get away with this!
So here's my epilogue to the cliffhanger event (which is really what she said) in the ongoing story of  ~ The Wall!

~ Looking back on that day, it still frightens me. Thankfully, Wally wasn't hurt badly and the damage to Matthew's car was minimal. The thugs had followed him from the post office and ran him off the road toward the cliff. After dragging him out of the car, they mucked him about to make sure he'd gotten the point.
John received the letter and examined grandfather's trunk. He couldn't find a way to get it open but he remembered many of the things Grandfather had shown us as children as he told us tales of his adventures. The sketch I'd sent along of the emblem on the key matched the lock.
Wally and I perused Grandfather's journal for any clue as to why those fellows might have wanted the key but there were only bits and pieces of information that seemed to tie in.
 I thought the mystery might end there. ~

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

January 20, 2012


You'd think I'd learn.  
It's hard being me because sometimes I come across as...not the kind of person I'd like to come across as...ya know?  I don't mean to and I certainly don't plan to but there it is.  
A quick remark, a puzzled look which apparently looks like an angry face, asking people to do things...or not to do dare I? Or maybe they don't care enough to understand when the pain I have becomes overwhelming and pulls me into it's encompassing grasp.  I know I don't look very happy then.  The hurt consumes all my energy.
But inside, if they could only see, is the real me, just waiting to come out.
That person wants to come out.

I see other people, just acting however they like and not caring a bit about the chaos or hurt they leave in their wake.  I don't understand that.
I often withdraw from hurtful situations.
Sometimes it's the only choice I have.

I used to be a cheerful person but I guess I've hardened over time.  Sad, huh?  I mean I think I'm still a happy person most of the time except...occasionally...when the pressure of the box weighs me down.

I'm claustrophobic, you know.  When the box gets too narrow, I panic.  I'm not proud of just happens.

Or life shows me just how ugly it can be.  It's hard to be cheerful then.
But all it takes is a short reply, being blown off by a dismissal of my thoughts or feelings and...Wham!...I'm back in the box and I'm not about to stick my head out again. 
At least for a while.

Then I start to think and often forget to pray; and I start to depress myself.  Woe is me...some justified...some not. That quickly becomes anger which doesn't help the me that comes out to be the happy person I know is in here.
Truly, I think there are several people in here who'd like to come out.  They just need the confidence to do it.

I need feedback.  I need responses.  I need encouragement.  I need help.

Maybe I'm having trouble finding a happy medium.
Maybe I'm either happy or sad with no in between.

Maybe people just have trouble seeing it.

Maybe they're just grumpy...and try to make that my problem.

What I need to do it just keep looking up.  Yeah, that's it.
'Cuz the lid of the box isn't closed...yet.

So,'d think I'd learn.

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

January 14, 2012

The Wall #32

Jenny MatlockSo...last week our fearless leader, Jenny Matlock,  gave us a two part prompt to be written in cliffhanger style with the build up, in 100 words, last week to the literal prompt, hanging off a cliff, concluding, in only 50 words, this week.  Here's last week's cliffhanger...

~ We decided it would be better to mail John's letter from the post office in the next town. Rather than send it off with one of the villagers, Wally wanted to take it himself.
Around 6 AM, he borrowed the innkeeper's car. The town was only 20 minutes away so he'd easily be back in an hour. There was still no sign of him at 9 AM...I was getting antsy!
The delivery boy arrived for work out of breath. With a worried look on his face, he pulled the innkeeper aside. On his way across the moor, he'd seen Matthew's car...hanging off a cliff! ~

And now for the conclusion...

Matthew grabbed some rope before we rushed to the cliff.
The car was teetering over the edge, door open.. Fearing what I might see, I inched to the top. There was no sign of Wally. I scanned the area nervously.
Someone touched my sleeve.
 Grinning weakly, Wally held me tight.

Click on the Saturday Centus button at the top to read the other cliffhanger conclusions or to enter your own.

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love, 

Be sure to check out my new Facebook Page
Hope you "Like" it!   

January 10, 2012

I'll be the first to admit that I'm weak.  
But secretly, I like to think of myself as least strong enough to protect myself and my family from...hurt, pain...suffering.  
But in reality, I can't.  
I'm not.

I'm feeling dried up right now. 
Not in control and forgetful.  
Lonely because I can't seem to share this with anyone.
I don't have all the answers...not even close.
My feeble understanding makes me crazy and sometimes edgy. 

All curled up in a little ball with my back to the storm trying to ignore the...what is it?  
Lack of something...or the abundance of worthlessness.  
Or the weight of Mrs. Gardener's vengeance and her pain from long ago that covers her world in a veil of discontent and anger.
I don't like being here but I'm not sure how to get out.
Maybe chocolate will help.  Maybe chocolate is part of my problem.
Ignoring the problem won't solve it but dwelling on it and worrying won't either.
The truth is that it's out of my's my problem but it isn't.
Know what I mean?

Sometimes it just about survival.

So I guess I'll just give it up.
I'm calling on someone bigger than me to take care of 

The uncertainty of unanswered prayer often frightens me.  
It's not that I don't trust God to answer...I know He will.  
But I don't know how.
Is that pride?

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

January 7, 2012

The Wall #31

Jenny MatlockOur host, Jenny Matlock is feeling adventurous today and has given us a two part challenge that kinda leaves you hanging...literally!  This week we have 100 words plus the prompt to set up a cliffhanger situation both with writing style and a literal prompt.  You'll have to come back next week for the conclusion!
Don't forget to click on the Saturday Centus button at the left to read other story lines inspired by this prompt or to link up your own.

As a bit of an intro, the innkeeper, Matthew and his family have been playing host to me since my arrival and now to my husband, Wally, who recently joined me under rather mysterious circumstances.  The story, from the beginning, nearly 8 months ago, can be found in one place by clicking on The Wall.

So for the ongoing adventure in the saga of The Wall, hang on for dear life!

~ We decided it would be better to mail John's letter from the post office in the next town. Rather than send it off with one of the villagers, Wally wanted to take it himself.
Around 6 AM, he borrowed the innkeeper's car. The town was only 20 minutes away so he'd easily be back in an hour. There was still no sign of him at 9 AM...I was getting antsy!
The delivery boy arrived for work out of breath. With a worried look on his face, he pulled the innkeeper aside. On his way across the moor, he'd seen Matthew's car...hanging off a cliff! ~

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love, 

Be sure to check out my new Facebook Page
Hope you "Like" it!   

January 1, 2012

The Wall #30

Jenny MatlockIt's the beginning of a new year and new challenges from my friend Jenny Matlock!  This week's Saturday Centus allows 100 words plus the prompt for a total of 102.  Click on the button to the left to join in and/or read what others are writing from this story prompt.
Let's see where we can go with it in the continuing tale of The Wall.

~ With the holidays behind us, we decided to let the authorities in on what had been happening since my discovery of the key in the wall weeks ago.  Especially since the car episode on the street Christmas Eve.
There had been no word from the fellows who'd knocked me out and stolen the key but it was obvious they still wanted something from me.  Before Christmas, I'd resolved to back off but now that Wally was here, I thought, "Resolution, Schmezolution!"  I need to get to the bottom of this!
Maybe it was time to finish the letter to my cousin, John. ~  

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

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