August 5, 2010


Well, here I am again at 1:20AM searching for much needed rest but finding the humidity too oppressive to allow my busy mind to shut down.  So I'm rambling around half talking to myself and half talking to others trying to make sense of unanswered questions.  If I try to read, I find myself drifting from the text to dreams and back to consciousness forgetting what I was reading or dreaming but feeling a little disgruntled by waking again.  Maybe I'd make better progress if I sat at the table to read.  It's strange... in the still of the night I can think so clearly about a lot of things.  But during the day I find myself being too overwhelmed with other things to think through my night's meanderings with the same clarity.

Today will be a busy day with my oldest working and a friend coming to visit.  Then an appointment, theater, and Zumba tonight.  Praying for another friend as she faces semi-emergency surgery today.  Sometimes I feel so useless to my friends, like they think I'm too busy or not capable or they're afraid to ask for my help.  But what they don't realize is that if I can help them out, it makes me feel like I'm truly their friend, like they trust me enough to let me be a part of their life.  It's a blessing to me. So I was happy to be available for her yesterday even though it turned out that her husband was able to come home quicker than he thought and her mom was already on the way to take the kids.

Things have been a little melancholy around here over the past week or two.  Our time with our oldest before she leaves for college is winding down much too quickly.  And there are loose ends and unanswered questions that hang in the air sapping precious last moments of some of their enjoyment.  You know, all those "whys?" that don't make sense and so you tend to believe that you must have done something wrong or you didn't try hard enough or there must be something wrong with you because things didn't happen the way you wanted them to.  It can be a vicious cycle.  I guess if things didn't matter so much it would be easier to forget about all the bumps in life and look ahead at what's coming up.  But then if there wasn't a little apprehension about the future that part might be easier.  She'll be spending some time with the children she's been working with over the past year and earning a little more money for school.  Wrapping up some scholarships things, taking a computer test, learning her way around her laptop because she's not used to MAC and spending some time with her little sister who is going to miss her very much.  We all will miss her so much but I think it will be harder for her sister to fill the gap.  They are very close and have always been each other's best friend so it's not surprising that little sister is really protective of her big sister and only wants the best for her. 
But this next year will give us a chance to experience something we've never really had for more than a week or two; one on one time for her and I.  I'm probably going to be working some of the time but then we'll be homeschooling and learning other things together. It will be fun.  Plus there will be several trips to visit college.  I'm so anxious to see how auditions go and what parts my daughter might have in the productions.

Oh, well, I'm really meandering tonight so I guess I'll close.. It hard to recognise very far in advance but now I can tell that a migrain si coming on as my view of the screen is shrinking and becomeing distorted.  Time for osme peppermint oil. and attempt ing to sleep again.

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