April 13, 2014

Is it possible to live in a house with people who care about you and love you and still feel alone?  Is it possible to know that my heavenly Father loves me and still feel like....this?
It's been a curious few months.  My mom found out that she's sick again, it's not good.  I'm trying to help out some and take her where she needs to go.  My daughter got engaged in Dec.and is getting married in two weeks.  It's Mr. Wood's birthday, Palm Sunday, next week is Easter...and then the wedding.  Maybe it's the fact that I feel like I don't really know who I am that makes things so hard to handle.  Yes, I know who I am supposed to be, a child of the one true King, a wife a mother, a daughter.  Maybe I imagine that those things mean something that they don't mean.  The way I think those things should be and the way I feel that they are don't come out the same.  I'm happy about the marriage.  I love my soon to be son and I know he will take good care of my Goosie.  He's a pastor/missionary heading to Africa if all goes as planned.  But I'm not good with goodbyes and that's kind of what this is.  An end but a new beginning.  New beginnings are good, right?  He always says that the way people perceive things becomes their reality.  I can understand that.  But I don't like it.  What I know and what I feel are two completely different things.  And my little Squirt isn't so little any more.  My homeschooling days are over, I'm still at loose ends with where that leaves me.  I've been married for 30 years and I know that decade seems to be when most things fall apart. It's hard to be what I'm supposed to be when I'm not sure about or happy with the "me" I have to work with.  but I know I fall short of the wife I should/could be.  My mind is foggy, sometimes. I feel listless.  There are so many things I need to do and I don't know where to begin.  I bring "things" into the house because it feels like I'm creating security for myself...but I'm not.  I have a lot of ideas for things I'd like to do/make from other things that are here and I think I need to stop waiting for approval/help from anyone and just do it.  It wouldn't take much money...just time and clear thinking.  But first things first.  This week; appointments, wedding greenery, setting the stage for the ceremony, finalizing wedding food/clothes/shoes, Easter, time for me and God, 2 last weeks with Goosie that I've started out messing up because I have all this stupid baggage in my head.  Why do I need to have approval from everyone?  It's so crippling to be so dependent on whether or not people are happy with me.  And maybe, if they are not happy with me, it's their problem and not always mine.  But it always feels like mine.  So, all this is heaped on my head and I feel like I'm being crushed under a load that, for the most part, should be light, not heavy.  Happy times, right?  And, yet, there's this weight.  emotional and physical. On my heart.  On my chest.  On my body.  This doubt.  I don't want it...but I don't know how to unload it. Stress...in my opinion, it is the most destructive disease known to man.  Physical ailments can be seen and treated, but these misfires in my head are harder to fix...that lifetime of stamping and patterning is gonna take longer than I have to undo.  Dear Lord, You are an Awesome God.  Please help me bear all this and manage everything in a manner that is glorifying to you and loving to those around me.  Guide me to do my best.  I hope you don't see me the way I see myself.  I need You. Amen.  I think in the midst of all this fear and doubt, would be a good time to start a thankfulness journal.  I have Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts but I've only read a little.  We studied it in SS but I missed a few.  Squeezing in a few of her videos with the girls before the wedding seems hard to make happen.  I guess part of my problem is that I resent that...having to plan a minute together when I'm pulled in a web of directions.  A list of things that I have or experience, good things,...none of which I deserve but by which I am blessed.  Maybe things will look brighter and feel lighter.  Here's hoping.

Pondering My Meanderings... with much herbal love, Wanderer

March 14, 2014

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Sometimes, I just want to write...I need to write.  I'm not good with words out loud.  They choke in my throat and trip over my tongue.  My mind is thinking of the "right" way to say things but it usually doesn't come out that way.
So, I write...I can change it and tweak it until it says what I want it to say.  At least in my mind, I understand all the nuances that may be lost to those who read what I scribble.  It's the meandering.  The pondering too much.  Then, when I open my mouth, no matter how well I think I have prepared for this verbal thought, it stumbles out in a sentence that sounds like it just crawled out from a rocky cave.  Not well formed or eloquent...not even really me...just a crude fragment with a few hesitations and stutters.  At least that's how it sounds to me. The fear of making a mistake or sounding stupid manifests in what tumbles out.

Strife. Stress. Bickering and bitterness.  Things I usually try to avoid.  But other times, I meet them head on with a return fire that spews as much venom as the initial strike. Justification...that's what I'm saying...if you're going to stir it up, prepare to defend your stand because I'm gonna defend mine.  The walls of this fortress have been thickening over time and they've stood strong through a lot.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie. 

True enough if you've ever seen a loyal dog roused by what could be perceived as an attack on it's master.

But metaphorically, it's a warning to heed the frenzy of barking, maybe even growling, that comes with the bleary eyes, tail tucked or pointed straight, the hair on it's back rising in a vertical spine like a razor back hog. It reflects the stir of activity and angst that flows from the stirred ashes of a long dead fire to fan the flames of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness to life once more.  Not easy.  I try.  I try again.

Into the glow of plans for a new life and a new family come the dark clouds that rain on everyone's parade. As though the plans for a life together, at least started in a foreign land far away from family...new babies grown before we meet them, and the matriarchs on both sides of the family dealing with the ravages of time on their health and mind, weren't enough to cause me to reach for the light in order to hang onto hope.  This.

This ugly thing that I've kept from those who might be most hurt by it for 23 years.  I've protected and hidden the dark, horrid truth so the cycle could be broken.  But there are those who could not be protected...those whose existence has been shattered by the knowledge for over a decade.  They can't let it rest.  They have to share the miserable tale so that all may be hurt by it as they have...raw, dirty, hateful truth...but to share the pain seems to ease the burden.  Selfishness at it's best, this tale of yore.  Now into the light and glory this thing hangs on the air and draws strength from the doubt and fear and disgust of it's gloom.  It serves no purpose...it only shares the sadness like a blanket of smoke...and isn't that just what darkness wants?  To steal the light?  To hide bushels of glory behind this one huge cup of hurt?

Let it go.  I know that's the thing to do and I really thought that's what I was doing by keeping it from my most beloved ones...after all, it's not my sin...not my burden...but it's become a pain for all of us...from the dark deeds of a few, generations are affected...and the joy is stolen, at least for a time.

I have a hand to hold, a palm to nestle in, that others may not know...maybe they did know but they've forgotten in the shadows where the colors, like the joy, seem so much more dim.  My refuge and strength.  My Protector who tells me in Exodus 14:14 to be still and know that He will fight for me.  He's got my back.  Thank you.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie? ~ yes, let's.

 Pondering My Meanderings... with much herbal love, Wanderer

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