September 11, 2012

Whispers of Change

It's been a while since I've written here.  My mind feels like a hollow tree, filled with a lonely, dark emptiness disturbed occasionally by the quick passage of some small chirp or twitter of an idea.  But they are gone all too quickly leaving me here in the void.  It's discouraging and somewhat unnerving to feel so helpless and empty.  Life is passing me by and I feel like I have little control over where it takes me or rather if it takes me anywhere at all.  It's an effort to keep this to myself but I've been doing my best to go on as though nothing out of the ordinary is happening.  To maintain the status quo and protect this insanity from the prying questions that only increase the pressure.  Sometimes I'm afraid.

Lately, there have been a few niggles or nudges...some flutterings of new life.  There's a twinkle of hope somewhere above me and I've shifted my focus from looking down...or back...toward that glimmer somewhere near the top of this vertical tunnel of grey light.  But these worries are keeping me grounded and I think my shoelaces are caught on a snag somewhere down below.  The knot is slipping and I can feel the urge to spread my wings and yet I haven't the energy to do more than fluff my feathers.  There's a part of me that wants to snuggle in for a long nap and forget this nagging feeling of reaching out to the light...but sleep often eludes me and I'm captured by the thoughts of all these cares...a prisoner of doubt and fear...I can't escape.  It's lonely facing this reality by myself. I'm not good at solutions...plans...I'm more of a follower than a leader.  I can be a good worker...a helper...really, I can.  But I don't like to make decisions.  It's never been one of my strengths.  Solving other peoples problems seems's so clear when you're on the outside looking into their life.  But  there are so many things that are only seen from one side of the looking glass.

Maybe I'll see a white rabbit bound for adventure or a white stag filled with strength that might sweep me up and leave all these problems behind.  This band around my head gets tighter all the time.  Brief sparkles of hope and happiness sustain me for a while and then fade.  But I can't communicate my concerns in a way that is understood.  There's always impatience and animosity or frustration that make me pull back inside.  The feelings make me quake and shiver...they need to get out.  I guess that's what this is all attempt to say what's on my mind.

As I've prayed before, "Please, reach down here and pull me out!"  I don't even know where to begin to make a change in this place that feels like home but only in the mirror.  Like I'm stuck in a bubble where I watch my world pass by around me but I can't seem to pass through the dim veil that keeps me in this wretched place...apart from those who care about me...and life.

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