January 20, 2012


You'd think I'd learn.  
It's hard being me because sometimes I come across as...not the kind of person I'd like to come across as...ya know?  I don't mean to and I certainly don't plan to but there it is.  
A quick remark, a puzzled look which apparently looks like an angry face, asking people to do things...or not to do things...how dare I? Or maybe they don't care enough to understand when the pain I have becomes overwhelming and pulls me into it's encompassing grasp.  I know I don't look very happy then.  The hurt consumes all my energy.
But inside, if they could only see, is the real me, just waiting to come out.
That person wants to come out.

I see other people, just acting however they like and not caring a bit about the chaos or hurt they leave in their wake.  I don't understand that.
I often withdraw from hurtful situations.
Sometimes it's the only choice I have.

I used to be a cheerful person but I guess I've hardened over time.  Sad, huh?  I mean I think I'm still a happy person most of the time except...occasionally...when the pressure of the box weighs me down.

I'm claustrophobic, you know.  When the box gets too narrow, I panic.  I'm not proud of that..it just happens.

Or life shows me just how ugly it can be.  It's hard to be cheerful then.
But all it takes is a short reply, being blown off by a dismissal of my thoughts or feelings and...Wham!...I'm back in the box and I'm not about to stick my head out again. 
At least for a while.

Then I start to think and often forget to pray; and I start to depress myself.  Woe is me...some justified...some not. That quickly becomes anger which doesn't help the me that comes out to be the happy person I know is in here.
Truly, I think there are several people in here who'd like to come out.  They just need the confidence to do it.

I need feedback.  I need responses.  I need encouragement.  I need help.

Maybe I'm having trouble finding a happy medium.
Maybe I'm either happy or sad with no in between.

Maybe people just have trouble seeing it.

Maybe they're just grumpy...and try to make that my problem.

What I need to do it just keep looking up.  Yeah, that's it.
'Cuz the lid of the box isn't closed...yet.

So, yeah...you'd think I'd learn.

Pondering My Meanderings... 
with much herbal love, 

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