April 17, 2010

Who am I?

**Warning!!  Personal thoughts running rampant!**

If you've read the introduction to this blog, the post that tells why I'm writing here and my profile, you know a little about who I am and who I want to become.  Sure, you'd think at my age I'd have been down this road far enough to figure it out.  Well...I'm still growing.  On the outside in ways that I really don't want to but am having a hard time working through.  And on the inside, I'm still trying to measure up.  Hopefully, first, to standards I've gleaned from the Bible, but then I get into trouble by trying to measure myself by standards other people have set for me or unreasonable standards that I've set for myself.  I mean, there are some things I can do to improve...lots of things...but I get into the habit of thinking that what I'm doing and what I'm interested in or the place I find myself in life are not good enough.  But not good enough for whom?  Based on my evaluation of myself through other people's eyes.  I need to stop doing that.  I am who I am and I'm trying to be better in ways that matter. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself.  I know that sounds a little bit 60's but I don't know how else to say it.  What do I have to do to accept myself?  With all my good qualities as well as all my limitations?  All the mistakes I make and the good things I do?  What's stopping me from moving ahead and doing more of the things I would like to do...the things I maybe should be doing?  I'd like to point fingers and say, "Well, if this... or if that.", but I know deep inside that the only person that's holding me down is me.  I don't have to be the same as someone else.  I don't have to measure myself by their standards even if they do.  Sure, I care very much about how my loved ones or friends feel about me.  I really hate to disappoint them.  It's especially hard if one of them is the one who makes me feel like a failure.  But more often than not, I find myself basing my evaluation of myself on the standards of people who really aren't all that important to me.  Folks who've set themselves up as models that the rest of us should only aspire to be like.  Know what?  That's a bunch of poppycock!

Sometimes I'm tired being me. But then, sometimes I love being me. And I'm thankful for everything God has given me, even the trials. It's just hard to keep that in perspective all the time.

The reasons that I want to be better or grow have to start with me.  I can't always base my decisions on what someone else wants me to do or become.  I have to do it because it's what I want, what I need to do.  If my heart is in the right place and my expectations are based on being the best person I can be because that's what I want, chances are all the people I care about will be happy with who I am too.  So what about all the others?   Maybe I'm not the only one who needs to re-evaluate.   I'm just saying.

2 thoughts about my meanderings:

alinehuey said...

Very provocative. I make a point of talking back to negative thoughts that invade my brain. Dr Amen calls them ANTs and acronyme for automatic negative thoughts.
Sometimes people talking to me are actually God talking to them but they don't know it. They are pointing a finger with three fingers pointing back at them!

Some things I cannot control.I have a frontal lobe (part of the brain) that I have little control over. I have decided that God controls that part of my brain and I say things that He wants me to say. Anyways. I try not to hurt anyone. I listen to the "little voice" and do what I am told.
What you can do is love, Jesus's most important commandment to us.
I will never be thin enough, thoughtful enough, but you know what I am only human and try to do the best that I can.
Does it help to hear someone elses take? We all have internal battles. Stay possative and do the best you can Dear Woman of God. He is your only judge.

wanderer said...

Thanks, Aline. It does help. That's a good way of looking at it. Now to remember it and apply it to myself!

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