July 20, 2010

Beginnings and endings

Life is often full of surprises.  New doors are opening all the time...and others are closing.  There are many doors that I'd like to close rather than go through but sometimes I just have to.  And there are doors that I look through enviously but will never be able to enter.  But there are times when I go through a door thinking that I'll out-guess God by figuring out where He's leading me (or someone else) only to find that He has a sense of humor and I was way off.  Each of us have responsibilities that we need to take on and some are easier than others.  There are things we want to do and things we're obligated to do whether we want to or not.  Ways we act that are acceptable and normal within society; some of which come as second nature to us or are easily learned as children while some seem foreign or uncomfortable even when we see them lived out daily by others.  All too often, there are things that we should be learning but in our stubborn, sinful nature, we think we don't need to learn or to be taught...or we want to be contrary or victimised because we think it's romantically interesting or some lofty, but faulty idea. 
Perhaps the saddest are the doors that close behind us, especially before we're ready.  Endings that we're not ready to face.  Some of those are bittersweet...meaning that from one aspect they are beautiful and necessary but from another...ones we hate to face or wish we could stop so we could keep things the way they are.  I guess those could be classified as selfish motives.  I have one of those bittersweet moments coming up and I'm so glad that I don't have to go through it alone because it's not all about me.
I worry that things will never be the same again.  When that happens, of course I don't think that things might actually be better...no, I'm thinking that changes that I'm not looking forward to must be leading to a negative alternative.  Silly, I know but my sinful self is not always, and in some seasons hardly ever, as optimistic as it should be.  (Yeah, lets talk about it like it's somebody else because it's hard to admit faults or shortcomings.)
My only salvation in times like these is the relationship I have with my heavenly father.  Reading the Bible is important but sometimes it's way over my head even as an adult.  To understand what I'm reading and trying to learn can often be a challenge even if I have the knowledge in my head.  Because the knowledge in my head won't help me with my daily actions and reactions; my real life.  Those responses come from my heart.  My heart responses are tempered by the knowledge that I have gained but only if I apply it to myself.  Only if I've taken ownership of the truths and rejected the falsehoods by filtering them through the Word.  It sounds like I'm talking in a circle and I guess, in a way, I am.  Because until I have a right relationship with my heavenly father, all the head knowledge in the world won't help me to be who I'm supposed to be.  And until I begin to be that person, I certainly can't be who I'm supposed to be for anyone else.  It's a quest that I'll work toward all my life but at least I'm trying to color my worldview with the right set of crayons in the hands of the artist who made me.  Otherwise I might have to face my bittersweet doors without hope.  And that would be sadder still.

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