Farewells ,Goodbyes and Until We Meet Agains

They seem so real and so final.  Even though they, by their very nature are not always meant to be final.  Just for a time.  A holding pattern of separation until another change.
So raw.  Empty.  Sad.
Farewells, Goodbyes and Until We Meet Agains.

This month.  This summer.  Happy, sad and bittersweet.
This year.  Changes.  Lots of changes for our family.  for friends...

New lifestyle, retirement, sickness, death, farewells, weddings and goodbyes, ...more sickness and death, until we meet agains.
Empty nest.
Afraid of the future.

I should be looking ahead with gladness... but this weight is holding me back.
I feel like my whole life has been in a holding pattern, devoting the whole of it to a cause, or two, or three, trying to do a good job raising my girls.  They are both lovely, god fearing, and now one is going to be God serving...far away, taking my only beautiful granddaughter.  Little Munchkin.

Will she remember me?  Will those people on the screen or in the phone lose their reality for her?  She's still small...less than two.  Just beginning to talk in phrases and interact with us through her own spunky little personality that steals my heart from me.  Making me laugh at her expressions and teasing me with little games and busy, busy, busy!  Amazed at how much she understands and communicates.  Wrapping me around her little finger...right where I want to be.

I will miss her.  Her Gam-ma.

I am proud, I am happy for Goosie and her family to have this opportunity.  But I am a mom...fearful and weak.  I am not strong and sure.  I have questions...the "what ifs" about this journey...this adventure for the Lord.

And Squirt working hard.  Learning new lessons about life and marriage...as we all have. My baby is married now!  Happy Day!  She looked beautiful and so grown up...and yet, all I see...still,  my fat, dimpled baby girl.

Just the two of us, now.  A reality that we haven't experienced for 26 years.  How will it go?  After years of long work shifts, raising kids, homeschooling, and little time to share, we have ALL this time. So different.  So overwhelming, some days.

But then our friends...no more time together this side of Glory.  Taken by the ravages of cancer much too soon,  One, a wife...the other a husband.  Both loved so much by spouses and children, grandchildren...one on the way.
after long battles and faithful journeys...sacrifices.
Where is God in that?  What if?  Peace that passes understanding is the only thing we can hope for right now.

Separation from some of those we love, dearly love.

Holding on to the only constant thing and wondering if He will hold on to me.
I can't see the big picture the way He does...but how will I know things will be okay?  What if they are not?  It's not really a question of trust, is it?

I mean, I know He is all knowing...All Powerful...Always here with me and there with them.  But even then, I can't see the big picture...I don't know if they will be okay...happy...gone a long time.

I can think of so many "what ifs..." and things that could happen to those I love...to me.  And none of them are good.  Why can't I imagine all the good things that could come to pass?  Pity party?  Yes.

Dreams of what I thought the future would look like are not the reality that is coming to pass...at least not for now.  Grief in it's own way.  Feeling too old to adjust.  But I will.  I have to...need to.

I'm wandering through the jumble of thoughts and feelings, rambling around inside.  Pondering the future.  Worried about my girls while I pray for both of them and their families.  Thinking about how my role in their lives has changed, as it should.
But what now?  Moving out of my comfort zone.

Holding on to the only constant thing and wondering if He will hold on to me.

Pondering My Meanderings...

Wanderer

Faithfully Wielding The Sword of Truth

Several years ago, while trying to put up a live Christmas tree with my girls, I thought it would be a great idea to put a hole in the bottom of the trunk so it would center on the pin in the bottom of the tree stand.  I was in a hurry and grabbed the drill and a bit.  Now the folly comes in the part where I tried to use a spade bit instead of a helical one.  And then I tried to use my left hand because of the position of the tree, while being a very right handed person.  The bit slipped on the sappy trunk and landed, still spinning, in the bone of my right thumb! How stupid was that?!

I felt really dumb and disgusted with myself because I knew better, my kids were watching, and I hate when things like that happen...because I feel sooo worthless.

Occasionally, over the years, a tiny piece of bone or cartilage left over from the damage works it's way to the surface.  It itches and irritates until I can't stand it anymore and I scratch it out like a cat.  One of those instances happened during the final lesson of a Bible study my girls and I were finishing up this week. They couldn't help but notice my frantic scratching and we had a good laugh, at my expense of course, about my careless mistake all those years ago.

A periodic reminder of an incident I'd like to forget.  Every time it happens, I feel a surge of that old "sick in my stomach" feeling that I got that day when I realized that I could very easily have severed the nearby artery, or worse, hurt one of the girls instead.  The foolish, dumb, irresponsible, stupidity that makes me feel like a failure.  Granted it's kind of a small thing that we joke about now but after our lesson, I thought about it again and realized that it is a perfect picture of what we were learning.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/The-Armor-of-God-Bible-Study-Book-P005727075

The last lesson in our Bible study,  Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer ~ Lifeway Press (every woman should do this study!), was about wielding The Sword of Truth (The Word of God) to actively protect myself from the lies of Satan.  He loves to distract me from God's love for me and the promises that come with the grace of salvation by steering me toward believing that I am not worthy or that God doesn't really mean that He will stand by me through whatever I face.  He likes to throw me off my Jesus groove by making me think that the sins of my past leave me undeserving of God's love.

I am continually both amused and bemused by God's sense of humor and the way He uses things to help me grow.  That tiny bit of tissue that makes it's way to the surface and distracts me from what I'm doing by itching and bringing up the memories of that careless mistake was a parallel to our lesson that I just didn't pick up on until a few days later.  Satan uses the same type of tactic to remind me of sinful things I've done in the past that he wants me to think about instead of focusing on who I am in Christ. A lesson learned and reinforced by something that happened years ago.

When Satan tries to distract me with fears and memories of past sins that threaten to pull me out of rank (military reference due to the nature of the study), after donning my armor, I need to pick up the Sword of Truth and wield it in offensive battle to keep the lies of Satan on the retreat.

Ephesians 6:10-19New International Version (NIV)

The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,

Pondering My Meanderings...

with much herbal love,

Wanderer

I Get It, But I Can't Do It

This year's presidential election has my head spinning!  You, too?
My father was very politically minded and would argue loudly for the 'best' candidate, in his opinion.  But my mom couldn't have cared less and often did not vote.  I would often hear her accuse him of voting party lines regardless of who was running.

As a young adult, I often found it hard to discern which candidate was the best choice and felt the need to vote as an idealist.  As an adult, I find myself leaning more toward looking ahead...so if I vote my conscience (which none of the candidates are really speaking to) am I burying my head in the sand?  Am I making a choice that will do no more for the future of this country than make a tiny, little, soon-to-be-forgotten statement whose only purpose will be to sway votes to the opposite side of the party line rather than defend them?

I get it.

But, it's not that simple.  It's not about which candidate, it's about the future!  It's about the legacy we leave behind.  It's about the issues.

As a grandma, I can see so much further into the future than I could before. What will things be like for my grandkids?  Will they be able to live in freedom?  Or will we be so far gone that they won't be able to be free in this country or any other?  Is that why America, the greatest country on earth, doesn't seem to play a part in the book of Revelation?  Does the downfall start here?  What is our responsibility?  Does it even matter?

So here I am, stuck in the middle between my head and my heart.  More like somewhere around my neck where I feel the pressure to do the right thing.  And I really want to.

If we vote outside party lines, I know what that means.  She, who shall not be named, will be our next president and we'll all be wondering why our religion, which has taken a few hits under current administration, is now being persecuted right here on American soil, more than ever before.  Churches and Christian schools closed because they are made to conform to government standards. Freedom lost.

We'll be crying over the audacity of a panel of supreme court justices, waffling on the edge of equal representation now, which will be overturned and strengthened by possibly 4-5 more seats during the next presidential term.  These appointments, for life, may last the rest of my lifetime and beyond. That's something that should make everyone sit up and take notice.

And then there's the global warming.  I'll be the first to say that God has given us a gift in this delicately balanced earth.  We should take care of it.
The present Commander-in Chief implemented law that has had a huge impact on our local and state wide community.  The coal industry has been hit hard by emission standards that had to be met and that means that companies who run on coal fired energy had to make some hard choices.  Many of them have or will be closing because the cost to change to another fuel source is too great.  Not to mention the folks who harvest coal for a living!  Many people say that this is a win because emissions are responsible for climate change.  But it was a loss to many and a personal issue for our family.
Meanwhile the Marcellus gas sites are taking over the landscape in both rural and forested wilderness areas baring acres of ground for their set up and operation, as well as injecting the ground with chemicals that are harmful to water supplies and wildlife, not to mention humans.  And its hard to tell how far this contamination goes when rain water carries it into the water sheds that feed the streams and rivers that flow through our land.  How is that better, Mr. President?
But unless you are completely off the grid, driving a horse and buggy, leaving zero carbon foot print, can you really point fingers?

And I can't look at my little granddaughter and say that in any way should abortion be glossed over as a non issue.  How could anyone think it's okay to do that to an unborn child even if studies show that the numbers are down from where they were?  I guess that's part of the issue.  We know from her own words that the female candidate from Arkansas thinks that unborn children have no constitutional rights until they leave the womb.  How scary is that? I get that there are special cases but those cases shouldn't be law for folks who just don't want the responsibility of their actions.

Maybe one of those aborted children would have grown up to be the one who finds the answers to global warming!

You may say that life will go on regardless of who's in the White House.  And I'm sure it will but you may not like the direction it takes.  Is God in control?  Of course He is!  Can we overturn His plans for this country?  Nope!  But what about the responsibility we have?  The mandates He's given us about honoring our leaders and following their laws?  We can have an impact on what that looks like for the future by casting our vote.  Withholding your vote because you are not thrilled with either party candidate is not the answer.  Look at the issues for the future. And then humbly pray.

I get the whole idea that evangelical leaders throwing in their lot with the candidate on the right seems totally wrong to some and that millennials are feeling like our generation doesn't get it.  But I think you are missing the point.  My generation has lived through all of the things you have experienced in war and change and progressiveness for ethnic groups and women.  There were wars before you and there will probably be wars after you where people fight for this country, sometimes making the ultimate sacrifice.  For those and their families I humbly say, "Thank you!"
The past century has seen so much change and for all the good things, there will be bad...abuse of power and inventions, privileges and rights.  Progress is good and with it responsibility is required.  So I get that you feel your generation thinks it has the most to say and that any one older than you who holds to some of the old things instead of wishing for so much progress is outdated and looking back with rose colored glasses at a time when things don't look so good to you.  But we have experience you don't have.   We've seen things and lived through times that you will never know except from a history book and there's something to be said for solid values and simpler times.
 
I get what you're saying but I can't agree with all of your conclusions.

When evangelical leaders choose a side, you feel abandoned.  But maybe they are trying to make you see that the changes in the next presidential term are going to be much more far-reaching than you realize.  Idealists will be further from reach than ever if you don't vote, vote for independents or vote left in this election even more than elections past.  Maybe you don't agree that voting for the candidate on the right is a sound moral choice.  I get it.  But I ask you to seek God's voice on this.

So how does that look on election day?  Is it worth making a ripple in the pond that will soon be absorbed into the shore or do I want to be part of the wave that may not be all of my ideals in one but looks a far cry brighter than the other choice?  WWJD?  I'm not sure so I'll certainly be praying about all of this until I cast my vote.

I'm just touching the surface here but these are things that I'm pondering.

Cages of Bitterness

This will seem abstract to some and not make a bit of sense but these are things I've been wondering about.  And thinking about and pondering because sometimes, when this happens, the results impact a lifetime...generations are affected by this and they don't know what to do with all the feelings and self-image that comes with them.

There is an anger that lurks deep in the heart.  A bitter wall of longing and separation that eats at the soul and mind until an impenetrable shell with barbs and flashes of stinging words effectively exclude the very affection the heart desires.  The enemy has defeated the senses, filling them with only self inspired loathing and hurt which spews from the mouth without care or discretion in an effort to cast down and belittle anyone who dares to reach out without complete abandon to the opinions and understanding of the dictator.  All things done out of kindness are twisted into malicious intent...all questions into hurtful accusations...all pleas for approval and love, dashed in a topsy-turvy effort to keep ANYONE from getting inside, all the while blaming them for not caring.

Requests must be met in exact detail, immediately without any hesitation... no thought for the responsibilities of others ...no variations allowed.  There is no way to understand or consider the feelings and actions of others, except to see their weakness and stupidity.  No compassion, no forgiveness, no mercy, no compromise, in spite of the fact that all these things are either expected in return or believed to be unnecessary for their own hurtful actions.  There is only one interpretation, only one possible meaning, one intention...to somehow hurt or take advantage of the being inside the shell.  The cage that shrinks with every nasty, hurtful thing that's said in response to others who are trying to please or help until the confines have completely cut off any outside influence.

The bitterness wins.

The enemy triumphant.

The captive...alone in a prison of their own making...because of bitterness, unforgiveness, anger and hate.  A pitiful multifaceted personality that can change with little provocation into a prodding, vengeful, hedgehog of a being that feels unloved because they won't allow anyone to love them.

Where did this bitterness come from?  I think I know.  The hurt of a parent who strikes out and takes away childhood...uses their fists and body to make people do what they want...thinks that their needs/wants are the only ones that matter.  Do dictators create dictators?  Are the actions of a parent responsible for forming the worldview of the children?  Do personalities influence how the dictatorship affects the children?  Why do some rise above while others are oppressed?  Are words and actions as hurtful and influential as fists and physical domination?

Unconditional love says that even though this may be the case, we are to love anyway.  How does that look?  At what cost to ourselves and our family?  Can we fix it?  Sometimes the best we can do is love from afar. Much like the gift of salvation, love is a gift that can be accepted or rejected.  Does the rejection mean the love is faulty or unreal?  It's a struggle that's been raging for the biggest part of a century and as time and age take their toll, the walls become thicker and the rejection more bitter.

The irony of the situation is that the very desires of the heart are the ones that are rejected the most.  It's not logical but most dealings of the heart are not ruled by logic.  The downward spiral of a self defeating spirit cannot be changed from the outside...change is a heart issue that begins within.

Pondering My Meanderings...

Limbic Imprints

So... I've been wondering and pondering an idea about why I feel so...at loose ends...without direction...unable to feel my memory foundation.  Do you suppose that it has anything to do with limbic imprints?  I've been reading more and more about the memories that are unconsciously stored in our mind from birth and are recalled through the process of smelling something that takes us back to another time.  You've done that, right?  But what if those are not the kind of memories that you want to recall?  What if you, also subconsciously, suppress them in an act of self preservation?  And that act then leaves you feeling as if you don't have a starting point.  It's all in my head, I know this...but still...could there be a connection?

Pondering My Meanderings... with much herbal love, Wanderer

Things I Learned At The Beach

My husband and I have been married for 32 years.  Our honeymoon destination was a beach front room in Virginia Beach where we spent nearly a week playing on the beach and swimming in the ocean, among other things. It was a week of firsts including my first time to see/swim in salt water...which means it was my first time to be stung by a jellyfish!  This experience made a big impression on me...it was very painful.  So, I haven't been in a hurry to go back.

First let me say that it was a mistake not to plan some sort of annual family vacation.  There were a few trips here and there but we allowed lack of time/responsibilities/lack of finances to limit us. Now, I'm not saying that it's alright to be irresponsible but find a way to carve out the means to get away even if it is a week of camping.  Staycations always turn into work weeks.  Get away!

So, back to my story.  Our oldest daughter, who married a missionary over a year ago, is expecting our first grandchild in December.  We are soooo excited!  It's always been my husband's dream to go on a long vacation out West to see all the sights.  We were going to go that route this year because if all goes as planned, our missionaries will be leaving for Africa in the spring.  But with a little one on the way, we thought a destination that was a little closer to civilization would be a better choice.  A relaxing mid-September week at the beach sounded perfect and it was.

Here are some things I learned at the beach.

If you need it, take it with you, including all your food.  Seven Mile Island is a strip of sand dunes separated from land by a salt marsh.  During the vacation season, there are lots of little shops, etc. but after Labor Day, most of them are closed or are selling out their stock for the season.  Finding a grocery store was not easy and we didn't see a gas station on the island. Take lots of water or a filter pitcher.

Vacation is not the time to experiment with DIY sunscreen!   I am fair skinned and don't spend a lot of time in the sun.  For the most part, I burn and then it goes away...no tan.  Bummer!  My girls and husband tan very easily and don't often burn.  I made a homemade sunscreen to take on vacation without testing it ahead of time.  I'm sure that it is very effective under normal outdoor conditions but I'm also sure that I did not reapply it nearly often enough to protect me from the hot, reflective sun at the beach.

Be prepared with DIY sunburn remedy ingredients!  Thankfully, I had what I needed to take the heat out of some very sensitive, painful sunburned skin.  A little lavender essential oil in some water really made a nice compress that quickly eased the discomfort.

Note to husband...even if you could stay out in the sun all day without sunscreen as a teenager, your skin is more sensitive 30 years later and the beach is different.  Sun reflecting off of the sand and water amplifies the tanning/burning action of the sun.

Dolphins and porpoises are not the same.  You may think this is an obvious statement but it's not something we thought about.  We just assumed that the large fish we saw jumping out of the water and swimming parallel to the shore were dolphins.  A local told us that they were porpoises and that they have been known to save people from shark attacks.  That made me feel two things at once. First, SHARKS?  And second, how nice that these fish would go out of their way to save people. And third, SHARKS?  Porpoises have a shorter snout, curved dorsal fin, more portly body shape than dolphins and are less talkative.  They were so beautiful!

Don't underestimate the power of the waves!  After playing in the waves and floating through the crests for several days, I thought I knew how the surf acted.  Most of the crests and rollers that came in behind me were spaced out and I could brace myself against the waves coming up behind me as I headed back to the sand.  But one larger, double crest caught me unaware and hit me mid back...like a kidney shot.  It kind of took my breath away and left me with an aching back and neck for days afterward.  The sea really is unpredictable!

Don't take for granted the time you have with family!  Just a short while ago, our girls were small and we had so many adventures together!  Now our time is limited and soon, we'll be half a world away from one of them.  You can't get those times back so make memories that you can keep in your heart.  And make time for your spouse, be intentional, because when the children are grown, you don't want to have to get to know them all over again.

The beach is peaceful but not quiet!  If you are looking for a quiet vacation, the beach is not the answer.  The roar of the breakers hitting the shore, the seagulls hovering over the waves calling back and forth, the whisper or whistle of the ever present wind, the rustle of dune grasses, make a loud cacophony of noise that surrounds you all the time.  And yet, it is a peaceful place that seems to make time stand still.

Things I learned at the Beach

Foam riffles along the surf
chases tiny seabirds to and fro
Little clams dig vigorously,
empty shells wash ashore,
Seagulls scream greedily,
over sand and over sea
Sun beats down to warm
the water, the sand and me
Wind whistles, sand blows,
dunes grow, tides turn
Porpoises jump, boats pass,
surfers ride, swimmers float
Kites fly, clouds sail,
children squeal, I begin to peel.
Breakers roar, peace reigns,
time slows, memories made.












 Pondering My Meanderings... with much herbal love, Wanderer

Time for a kitchen update!

My kitchen makes me happy...and cozy with a warm fuzzy 'at home' feeling.

The feel of cool slate beneath my feet...which are usually bare...gives an earthy feel.  The colonial colors, the primitive border, the eclectic blend of vintage/antique furniture and accessories gives the room a warm and cozy feel.  And I love it here so I don't want to change it just tweak what we have while fixing a few things. More of an update.

In this photo you can see the wallpaper border that I chose to pull it all together.  It's been on these walls for about 16 years and I would pick the same one over again.  

The rag rolled walls started out with a coat of sunflower gold followed by a blend of glazes that gives it that pumpkinish color.

                  

This turn of the century Sears and Roebuck cabinet was gifted to us years ago and has had several homes within the rooms of our house.  Once originally painted white, a color which has no place in this room, it is now a blend of barn red over Windsor green, combed over in wavy patterns so the green shows through.

This chalk board was in the basement of my childhood home and I spent many hours playing "school" with my pretend students.  Little did I know that one day I'd be using it to homeschool my own children!  Now that they are grown, it's a great place for messages or reminders, even the occasional artistically inspired chalk drawing or Bible verse.

When we originally painted the house we used one color for the walls and ceiling throughout.  It gave us a good base for any future paint or wall paper and made the move a little quicker since we moved in on Dec 15th and baby #2 came on Jan. 14th.

The kitchen ceiling is still the antique linen that we started with and it's time for a change.  So I'm thinking about pulling the Wedgwood blue from the flowers and birds in the border to give it a homey touch.  

There are patches of antique linen showing on the walls where we decided to rearrange the wall cupboards a while after the rag rolling was done.  We've ignored it for a while now and I'm ready to fix it.  I'm not sure I can duplicate the rag rolled colors or pattern so that it won't be an obvious patch job.  So going back to my wall paper border, the barn red keeps calling to me! 

Stay tuned to see what we end up with!

Quiet Time

There is a still small peace that comes from spending a little quiet time each day.  How do you fill that space of time?  Do you read?  Do devotions or Bible study?  How about yoga or prayer time?  Maybe just getting lost in your favorite tunes...

One of the newest ways, at least for me, is coloring. Yes, I am an adult!  But if you search for coloring books aimed at an adult doodler, you won't have to look far to find hundreds, even thousands, of coloring books with varying themes just for you!

Here's one that I picked up over Christmas for a friend and loved it so much I bought one for myself!

This inspirational book is filled with beautiful black line illustrations just waiting for you to customize it with your own color combinations...your own work of art.

For me, this is great because, although I can make mechanical drawings, my artistic drawing skills offer little more than stick figures and primitive 2-D images.

The designs in Whatever Is Lovely create a wonderful release as you get into the art of blending colors and filling spaces with happiness. 

You can use markers, crayons, colored pencils, or gel pens to make these pages your own!  Here's a nice set of gel pens from Frog Lily.

Why not pick up a copy of Whatever Is Lovely, turn on your favorite music and get lost in a simple, relaxing coloring page?!

Pondering My Meanderings... with much herbal love, Wanderer

Gone From My Sight

It's been nearly a month now...but that seems so hard to believe.  The following thoughts were pondered and roughly recorded as I rested in the room across the tiny hall from my Mom...

The winter snow falls softly but quickly outside the window.  Inside the quiet is almost suffocating, cut only by labored breathing and soft moans of pain.  Modern medicine has very little to offer in these last days...last hours...of a life ravaged by cancer.

As I sit here pondering what lies ahead and all that's transpired under this roof my eyes fill with tears.  
So much hurt.  
A soul can hardly imagine the desperate search for worth that follows a young life full of abuse and drunkenness, poverty and fear.   

And why continue to spread that hurt by building a wall around yourself too high for a little girl to climb?  

And so it goes, from one generation to the next, the sins of the father.

This is the second time I've stood in these rooms and watched and listened and even smelled the last signs of life.  They give you a book...signs of death at the end...the last months...the last weeks... the last days...the last hour...kind of a morbid countdown toward the inevitable end.  

The first time I did this dreary countdown, we learned about the cancer, after a week spent in the hospital Dad came home.  Home to die.  The signs from the death booklet moved quickly.  One week later he was gone from my sight.
  
I thought that week was the hardest week of my life.
  
I was wrong.

This time the battle has been going on for 2 1/2 years.  The pain, the suffering...the beginning of the end.  A very long beginning.  The blood, the tests, the surgery, the long recovery - never to be the same again.  Treatment, more cancer...more treatment...and more cancer...out of control.

Most of the signs in the book are physical and behavioral, measurable.  They are here now, even to the last page and I know it won't be long.  While she's resting in one of the few pain free hours she's had in a while, I ponder my thoughts.  I can't say feelings right now because I am numb.

This week I've literally watched the life blood flow from her shrunken body.  Red and harsh.  Stark against the white bed linens.  I pull the sheets and quilt over the red but the tell tale hose that carries it away snakes out from under the covers.  A hateful reminder of the internal damage done by this greedy, consuming killer.

I used to think that death was ugly.  Now I think that it can be but not always.  This death, approaching steadily, will be the answer to prayers...hers and mine...for peace, freedom from pain, escape from a body, once strong but now a weakened shell...a gateway to what lies ahead.  

She says she is ready to meet her maker...just waiting on His timing.  

Sleep...just for a moment...rest on the edge of consciousness...ready to take the few quick steps to her side if she needs me.  She sleeps too deeply, breathes too hard.  I step across the hall to check on her and squeeze her hand, this time there is no response.  I linger for a moment and then go for a drink of water.  Coming right back I know something is different as soon as I reach the top of the steps...the complete silence hits me hard.  My steps quicken but it feels like I'm walking through water.  When I step into her room, I know.  Her time has come.

She is gone from my sight.


Pondering My Meanderings... with much herbal love, Wanderer

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Sometimes, I just want to write...I need to write.  I'm not good with words out loud.  They choke in my throat and trip over my tongue.  My mind is thinking of the "right" way to say things but it usually doesn't come out that way.
So, I write...I can change it and tweak it until it says what I want it to say.  At least in my mind, I understand all the nuances that may be lost to those who read what I scribble.  It's the meandering.  The pondering too much.  Then, when I open my mouth, no matter how well I think I have prepared for this verbal thought, it stumbles out in a sentence that sounds like it just crawled out from a rocky cave.  Not well formed or eloquent...not even really me...just a crude fragment with a few hesitations and stutters.  At least that's how it sounds to me. The fear of making a mistake or sounding stupid manifests in what tumbles out.

Strife. Stress. Bickering and bitterness.  Things I usually try to avoid.  But other times, I meet them head on with a return fire that spews as much venom as the initial strike. Justification...that's what I'm saying...if you're going to stir it up, prepare to defend your stand because I'm gonna defend mine.  The walls of this fortress have been thickening over time and they've stood strong through a lot.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie. 

True enough if you've ever seen a loyal dog roused by what could be perceived as an attack on it's master.

But metaphorically, it's a warning to heed the frenzy of barking, maybe even growling, that comes with the bleary eyes, tail tucked or pointed straight, the hair on it's back rising in a vertical spine like a razor back hog. It reflects the stir of activity and angst that flows from the stirred ashes of a long dead fire to fan the flames of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness to life once more.  Not easy.  I try.  I try again.

Into the glow of plans for a new life and a new family come the dark clouds that rain on everyone's parade. As though the plans for a life together, at least started in a foreign land far away from family...new babies grown before we meet them, and the matriarchs on both sides of the family dealing with the ravages of time on their health and mind, weren't enough to cause me to reach for the light in order to hang onto hope.  This.

This ugly thing that I've kept from those who might be most hurt by it for 23 years.  I've protected and hidden the dark, horrid truth so the cycle could be broken.  But there are those who could not be protected...those whose existence has been shattered by the knowledge for over a decade.  They can't let it rest.  They have to share the miserable tale so that all may be hurt by it as they have...raw, dirty, hateful truth...but to share the pain seems to ease the burden.  Selfishness at it's best, this tale of yore.  Now into the light and glory this thing hangs on the air and draws strength from the doubt and fear and disgust of it's gloom.  It serves no purpose...it only shares the sadness like a blanket of smoke...and isn't that just what darkness wants?  To steal the light?  To hide bushels of glory behind this one huge cup of hurt?

Let it go.  I know that's the thing to do and I really thought that's what I was doing by keeping it from my most beloved ones...after all, it's not my sin...not my burden...but it's become a pain for all of us...from the dark deeds of a few, generations are affected...and the joy is stolen, at least for a time.

I have a hand to hold, a palm to nestle in, that others may not know...maybe they did know but they've forgotten in the shadows where the colors, like the joy, seem so much more dim.  My refuge and strength.  My Protector who tells me in Exodus 14:14 to be still and know that He will fight for me.  He's got my back.  Thank you.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie? ~ yes, let's.

 Pondering My Meanderings... with much herbal love, Wanderer

The View From Here and a Prayer

The view from here, my tiny little corner of a very small sphere, concerning things related to Christian outreach, especially foreign missions, is often clouded by the lack of information, misunderstandings, and fear.  In Mark 16:15-16, Jesus, talking to the disciples, said, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. 16 Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned..." 

That's pretty clear.  It would seem that we are to go all over the world, to let others know the good news.  Now, I have to say that I haven't really had a heart for foreign missions, not because I don't think they are necessary or even that we shouldn't be involved in them, merely that, for one thing, the hurtle of missions is often monetary.  Often thousands of dollars are raised to send a missionary into a specific city or country, sometimes for a short period of 7-10 days of ministry.  Are souls reached?  Yes! Are lives changed?  Yes!  But how much good could those same dollars have been used for right here at home to reach an obviously lost and hurting society?  Couldn't the same principals used in cities or foreign countries be used to spread the gospel to our own streets?  Absolutely.

A few thoughts on why my personal heart doesn't necessarily lead toward foreign fields...

First, because I am a home body.  While I enjoy traveling, it's always good to get back home.  My roots are here.  The people I love are here and I crave the family circle.  But, God is my comfort.

Second, because there are Christians all over the globe at this point in history.  So to spend money to send and support a missionary or missionary family in a foreign land when someone there could evangelize seems to be money that could be spent on other ministry needs right here at home or at least in this country.  But God knows best and so He calls the right people for the job.

And third, many places that call out to missionaries are in societies that are not the same as ours...a bad thing?  No...some diversity is good.  But often that change in culture includes higher crime rates, frequent terrorist activity, prejudice toward religions other than their own, tumultuous dictatorships and/or extreme poverty which leads to crime for survival.  Can God cover His missionaries with protection?  Of course.  Does He always? Unfortunately, no.  But He knows the big plan and I don't.

And herein lies a big BUT..., for me.  The WHAT IF.....?,  the fear....I have a hard time with all the scenarios that appear in my mind.  And what it all boils down to is the fact that I struggle with my plan over His.  I want to keep my family together...and safe...I want to hold, care for and play with my grandbabies, to be a part of their life that is more than a picture or a cold, interactive "movie" that they can't hug or snuggle with...I want to help and continue being a mom to my kids that is a real, hands-on helpful part of their lives...I WANT these things!   Wow! That's a selfish statement.  But the reason is that I feel my life's mission has been to protect, disciple and raise godly children and break the mold out of the dysfunctional stuff that has been such a big deal for so long.

While I was growing up, my parents didn't get along more than about 20% of the time.  I think that's generous. Eventually my dad left us for a period of time during my early teen years and I'm not sure I was ever really able to forgive him for it.  My maternal grandfather had passed away long before I came along.  It's probably for the best since I've heard he was a mean, abusive drunk most of the time and my grandma, the sweetest woman I ever knew, died when I was ten.  At that point, I lost that entire side of my family with 18 aunts and uncles and tons of cousins...lost over a feud that goes on to this day...40+ years later. My paternal grandma died when I was 7, a grumpy woman who never really seemed to have much time for a timid little girl.  My grandpa, a big man who worked on and retired from the railroad, was a sweet old fellow who had a silly lopsided grin, loved to play his fiddle and sing at the same time, yet led a family who had nothing but contempt for my mother and her family.  Her bitterness and sense of ill treatment all her life filters into everything she has done for at least the past 50 years.

   

Growing up in the middle of all that, I repressed alot, tried to maintain the status quo and rise above the broken family toward what I hoped would be a better life.  Enter a husband with a little attitude...a manipulative, bitter  mom and what followed was 30 years of yet another separation that is still a battle daily.  I had to chose...husband or parents...and as I had taken a vow at my wedding, husband came first.  Which led to my children caught in the middle...a situation I had hoped to improve for them.  In order to keep them from being pulled apart, I stepped back and didn't see my folks for several years.    

After threats to take my kids away from me, even though the only situation I denied them was alone time, and various other arguments about unimportant things, the feeling that the other shoe could drop at any time was too much.  My weight had increased much too much, my confidence level was shot, and my protective mode was in full gear. Don't mess with me...my husband...or my kids.  I've made choices and sacrifices to protect them and give them a home that, while not perfect, was a far cry more stable than the ones either of us came from.

The protective mama bear syndrome. 

I guess I carry that over into their adult lives.  And I know deep inside that God knows better than me, and His will and timing are perfect.  Better than mine...and here's the BUT...I'm afraid to just say okay to what ever. I'm afraid to send my kids off to missions half way around the globe because "What if...?"  What if I never see them?  What if they are hurt or sick and I can't get to them?  Or what if they have children that never know me?  What if they are killed or kidnapped or raped?  I always wanted the support of a family, the peacefulness that others had in knowing that they were surrounded by people who wouldn't let anything happen to them if they could help it, much less hurt them or drive them away.  That protective bubble of love that was never compromised by anger and self righteousness.  And I want that for my kids, too...from me.  For me.  Just once.  I want to have that happy family circle for all of us.

So I'm asking...Please hear the desires of my heart and consider my plea.  I know they don't come as a surprise to an omnipotent, all knowing god like yourself.  Please allow us to have that happy bubble of family love and protection that will carry us through, welcome new members and build a community of caring and supporting that I've never known and can break this cycle of hate and hurt that has been the norm for far too long.  These blessings don't come from me, or anything I've done or deserve, they are only from You.  Ultimately, You are in control and you can give me all the peace I need just from Your glory and mercy.  Your presence...here, with me. 

I know and believe all these things.  But I'm asking in the name of Jesus...hear my prayer.  I can't find the words to express it because it's so much bigger than what I've written here, but You know me inside and out...You've seen my darkest secrets and my sweetest thoughts.  Help me to trust You with the blessings You've given me.  Because in the end that's what this is...an issue of trust.  We make decisions all the time to act on head knowledge from a right heart.  Help me have that heart and know Your peace.

Amen

Pondering My Meanderings...

with much herbal love,

Wanderer

God's Amazing Sense of Humor and Grace

The View from here has been pretty amazing lately.

As I watch God's plan unfold right before my eyes, I can't help but laugh with delight!  He's been planning and pondering and waiting for just the right time to reach out and bless our lives.  And I can't help but wonder at the glory and beauty of it all.  He is so good!

I had been helplessly watching a situation unfold that I just didn't feel right about.  But, there are times in your life when you just need to wait...and pray.  Wait on Him.  And PRAY!  Voice your concern and then pray. And keep Him in your lens because looking in another direction only slows down the ultimate plan.  He can't work in your life if your not allowing Him to direct your paths and are distracted by things that steal your peace.

To my great joy, I also watched as, through heartache (which was not the joyful part!) and hard lessons (a little more joyful because, sadly, they were lessons that could't be taught except through experience.) a beautiful thing began to emerge.  A return to a happier state of mind and confidence regained that had slipped away.

As I've watched and pondered this beautiful thing, it has begun to grow and blossom and bless those around it.

And now that it's blessing our lives, some of the most joyful parts are the ones that I didn't see happening before but am learning about now.  Things that were happening in other people's hearts and lives months ago that God has worked together for the good that's happening now. It's proof positive to me that God has been moving toward this lovely surprise for a while now.

And that's what makes me laugh!  Laugh with delight, laugh in relief, laugh at myself for doubting that He was in control, laugh at the foreshadowing, laugh at His humor and sigh in contentment at His grace that carries us through the valleys to the rolling hills and mountain tops that the light of His love has been saving for us until the perfect time.  And that time seems to be coming soon.

This is really a bunch of vague language that only piques attention but I'm afraid it's the best I can do right now, even if I'd really like to say so much more.  And that's annoying, right?  Well, just be happy for now and have a laugh or at least a smile and we'll see where God takes it.

I think God is just waiting to bring this joy into all of our lives if we'll just wait and follow instead of trying to lead Him in the way we want to go.  Dream BIG, but make sure you rely on God to direct those dreams and bring you the right person or people to share and support that dream.  For all you know, He's been preparing their heart for the same adventure all along.

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,
Wanderer

The End is Here!

It's finally happened.
It's over and done.

When we began to prepare my youngest daughter's portfolio in preparation for her 11th grade homeschool evaluation, she asked me how many credits she needed to take in her senior year to graduate.  I pulled out past years and added this year's credits to it, and what do yo know?  She didn't need ANY more!  I added them over and over again to make sure I hadn't done something wrong.  I double checked the homeschool law for our state.  Nope she'd worked hard and I didn't realize how far she'd come.
Our evaluator reviewed her portfolio and the homeschool requirements and she agreed that there didn't seem to be any classes lacking.
To make a long story short, my youngest daughter is now a high school graduate and I am officially retired as a homeschool teacher!

Congratulations, Squirt!  You've become quite a young lady and I'm so proud of you!  I'll always cherish the time we spent together huddled over algebra, trying to work it out together.  And reading The Squire's Tales aloud over and over all those years ago.  All the reenactment fun we had, the soap demos and making butter.  Learning things together with you and Goosie!  May God bless you as you look to see what God has in store for your future!

Now what shall I do?
First, I think I'll sell some of these textbooks!  Ebay, anyone?

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,
Wanderer

Way Down in Kokomo.... ....Indiana, that is.

My daughter's college roommate's wedding was this weekend. We really valued her friendship to our Goosie and wanted to wish her well, so when the invitation came, we made plans to travel from our PA home to Indiana for the big day. Goosie and our littlest pumpkin, now 17, made the trip two months earlier for the bridal shower. The night before they were to drive home (8 hours), a huge snow storm hit Indiana and they decided to stay another day until the roads cleared. That gave them the opportunity to attend a youth group sponsored by the bride's family. While there, Squirt met a group of young men and quickly became friends with them...one in particular. From that night until the wedding, he never missed calling, skyping, or at the least txting several times every day. On the one month anniversary of their meeting, he sent her a bouquet of flowers with a sweet note. Both grew in their friendship and looked ahead to meeting again at the wedding. Now that time is here. Squirt was both anxious and excited but wasn't sure what would become of two kids, one 17 and the other 19, who lived 8 hours apart...but she knew she wanted to find out because their chance meeting because of the snow delay seemed like an event that was planned out just for her...and we all know what a sense of humor God has, besides the fact that he often works in mysterious ways. About a month before the shower, she ended a relationship with a young man who was a bit younger than her but had been a friend since childhood. Because of differences in their background, and some poor choices on his part, she decided that good friends don't always make good boyfriends. Much to her surprise, this Midwest farm boy of sorts, was able to show her the kind of attention and interest, from two states away, that she'd hoped for from the younger fellow but rarely received. Time for the road trip came and we arrived in good time. We found our hotel in Kokomo, checked in and got settled before heading down to meet her friend who had offered to cook dinner for us since we'd been traveling all day. How sweet. Since he and his brother have been on their own for about a year, they've been fending for themselves...one working while the other finished high school overcoming some pretty big obstacles to keep their heads above water. In case I forgot to mention it, they are twins but you'd never know it from their appearance or personalities. But I'm meandering off my course here so let's get back to it. Dinner was delicious but because this was only the second face to face and MOM was tagging along, by invitation of course but still...no pressure here, it was a little awkward at first. But as time went on, things loosened up a little and we all walked around the little town near their home and also where our friends live. Of course they were all busy with wedding preparations, etc., so we knew we wouldn't see them until the big event. Then we drove back to Kokomo to have a look around, found a little health food store and spent a little time getting to know the farmboy. Next day, his twin was graduating and Squirt went with her friend to see his brother graduate, after which I brought them back to the hotel to swim before the wedding.

Now for the wedding...all the things you can think to say about a lovely wedding would apply here. The bride was beautiful, the bridesmaids, too. Groomsmen all quite handsome in their gray and rose tuxedos. And since I'm particularly interested in one of said bridesmaids, my Goosie, who's been here helping prepare for the big day,...I thought she was the prettiest one of the lot! My favorite part of the ceremony was when the bride and groom exited the sanctuary to "I've Gotta Feelin'." The reception was fun with good food, fun and memories. Squirt and her date had a good time dancing and I think he enjoyed showing off his new friend to all his youth group pals. I sat with some interesting folks who have known the bride's family for a long time. They made me feel right at home.

 We helped tear down and clean the church gymnasium and loaded up all the beautiful decoations, etc. Then, even though it was late, our friends invited us to come to their house for a wind down visit. They have a lovely home that they built themselves and is an ongoing project much like our own home. We visited until our eyelids began to flutter and then headed back to the hotel, dropping Squirt's date off at his house on the way through. Our friends were shuttling folks to meet rides and flights Sunday morning so we went to church with the farmboy and his brother. What a nice church! Rock Prairie is in a little town called Tipton, Indiana. The folks there were so friendly! Shortly after the praise team greeted everyone, they invited everyone to move around for a meet and greet...at least 3 to 4 minutes long that led into another song by the praise team that continued the social fellowship for at least 5 more minutes! I thought it was so nice to spend that much time mingling. There was not a bit of pretention in any of the folks I met or observed this weekend. I began to understand about the friendly, relaxed, hospitable way of midwestern folks.

The sermon was about pride. The pastor's family met him on the platform and we watched as he and his sons humbled themsleves to his wife by washing her feet and admitting to taking her for granted, as well as complimenting her and apologizing for not trusting her wisdom in areas of her strengths. It was awesome to witness this.  The pastor had a very personable manner and was very sincere without making his wife too uncomfortable.

Although I want to be humble, I know that I often stray across the line big time. I think I may have done that with Squirt a few times in dealing with a few things lately, so when the pastor invited the congregation to step toward one of the many foot washing stations around the sanctuary with someone they wanted to honor or humble themselves toward, I asked her if she would allow me to wash her feet. She was surprised but agreed. And though they were feet that this mama has washed (and scrubbed!) many times throughout her childhood, I thought it was time for me to acknowledge that this child was no longer a little girl...and that I respect her for the many things she's become and just as much for the things she has stood firm on even when her choice wasn't the popular one. It was indeed a humbling experience that taught my pride a lesson...or two.

While we were connecting with our proper mindset about ourselves, the pastor was preparing for a baptism. I guess I don't get out much but I enjoyed seeing this with fresh eyes. The baptismal pool is under the platform and after removing some panels, we watched everything on two large screens at the sides of the auditorium. How nice to have such a close view of what was happening! The families of each person came up on the platform to witness the event. At times, there were about 20 people up there to support each one of them! I watched as an elderly father baptized his middle aged son with tears of joy on his face...I watched a man whom I got the impression was wanting to step up and be the Christian father and husband he believed he was called to be, baptize his children and then his wife as the pastor officiated. The story was that his request went like this, "You do the talking and I'll do the dunkin'!" These folks were loving the Lord, not by rules or tradition but from their hearts. I was blessed because of it.



Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,
Wanderer

Christians Are People Too!

When I think about what I value in folks I consider to be heroic, I think of many characteristics that may or may not have roots in religious views but most certainly are based on that person's worldview.  Bravery, Courage, Devotion, Conviction...Taking a Stand for what they believe.  Those convictions are called that, not because they are fuzzy, warm feeling you take out when its convenient, but things you cling to even when to going gets tough.
But because Christians cling to their values when it's not the popular opinion, or try to stand tall in the face of the rampage of unfair, or despicable conditions that run amok in this world, they are labeled as bigots, dictatorial, archaic control freaks who only care about themselves and their agenda and forcing everyone else to go by their rules.
It really all depends on the lens through which you view life.  I hear folks cry, "Coexist!...don't judge, live in harmony with others.  But when it comes right down to it, they are the least tolerant of other views than most.  They mock and ridicule...they judge and create disharmony because unless you believe as they do, you're somehow less intelligent than they are...or they think they are.  They act like Christians are somehow being mean by sharing their beliefs because it makes them uncomfortable to think that someone disagrees with them.
My heros stand firm.  They fight for what is right.  If what is right changes with each individual, then how do we all read an epic tale and come away with the same character as the hero?  Basically, we all have the same conscience, the same sense of right and wrong that's rooted in our soul.  Where does that come from?
When you find something that you really like or are passionate about, do you just keep it to yourself?  Or do you post it on facebook and tweet little pieces of info about it so you can share it with everyone you care about?  Sure you do.  Causes, quotes, quips and posters...poems, photos, ads...you name it.  People enjoy all kinds of things because we're individuals.

Well, Christians are people, too.

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,
Wanderer

Whispers of Change

It's been a while since I've written here.  My mind feels like a hollow tree, filled with a lonely, dark emptiness disturbed occasionally by the quick passage of some small chirp or twitter of an idea.  But they are gone all too quickly leaving me here in the void.  It's discouraging and somewhat unnerving to feel so helpless and empty.  Life is passing me by and I feel like I have little control over where it takes me or rather if it takes me anywhere at all.  It's an effort to keep this to myself but I've been doing my best to go on as though nothing out of the ordinary is happening.  To maintain the status quo and protect this insanity from the prying questions that only increase the pressure.  Sometimes I'm afraid.

Lately, there have been a few niggles or nudges...some flutterings of new life.  There's a twinkle of hope somewhere above me and I've shifted my focus from looking down...or back...toward that glimmer somewhere near the top of this vertical tunnel of grey light.  But these worries are keeping me grounded and I think my shoelaces are caught on a snag somewhere down below.  The knot is slipping and I can feel the urge to spread my wings and yet I haven't the energy to do more than fluff my feathers.  There's a part of me that wants to snuggle in for a long nap and forget this nagging feeling of reaching out to the light...but sleep often eludes me and I'm captured by the thoughts of all these cares...a prisoner of doubt and fear...I can't escape.  It's lonely facing this reality by myself. I'm not good at solutions...plans...I'm more of a follower than a leader.  I can be a good worker...a helper...really, I can.  But I don't like to make decisions.  It's never been one of my strengths.  Solving other peoples problems seems easy...it's so clear when you're on the outside looking into their life.  But  there are so many things that are only seen from one side of the looking glass.

Maybe I'll see a white rabbit bound for adventure or a white stag filled with strength that might sweep me up and leave all these problems behind.  This band around my head gets tighter all the time.  Brief sparkles of hope and happiness sustain me for a while and then fade.  But I can't communicate my concerns in a way that is understood.  There's always impatience and animosity or frustration that make me pull back inside.  The feelings make me quake and shiver...they need to get out.  I guess that's what this is all about..my attempt to say what's on my mind.

As I've prayed before, "Please, reach down here and pull me out!"  I don't even know where to begin to make a change in this place that feels like home but only in the mirror.  Like I'm stuck in a bubble where I watch my world pass by around me but I can't seem to pass through the dim veil that keeps me in this wretched place...apart from those who care about me...and life.

Complacency, Pride and the Mid~Life Crisis

You've heard the sage adage that "You're as Young as You Feel!"  I think there are two parts to that.  The mental aspect and the physical reality...or is it complacency?  I think that's my reality.
It would be foolish to say that I've stayed on top of my game since my early years.  I've slowly put on weight and struggled to get it off again (unsuccessfully) and I've allowed myself to be held back by "things" that shouldn't be allowed to have that much sway in my reality.
Mentally, I've always felt like I was still in my early twenties...call that young at heart or immature at your discretion...I've felt like I was in a time warp where the world and life go on but I stopped aging...or at least slowed down..  Not really what you'd call strongly opinionated (although there are some who would disagree with that), just willing to go with the flow...at least most of the time, except on faith.  I think that makes me a poor planner.
But now that my kids are older, I find myself drawing strength from them.  They're having so much more fun and I'm starting to realize that it's no one's fault but my own.  I think that's the root of the mid-life crisis. Complacency.  And Pride.  And then awakening...realization...the thought of death... maybe not physical but the death of your dreams.
I'm not afraid to die.  I know where I'm going at the end of this brief span of my life.  But it stinks to suddenly come face to face with the idea that you can't do all the things you've done in the past or that you're not going to do all the things you've always wanted to do.  You're not as spry as you once were.  But that's reality and one I should have seen coming.

There are those among us who can't bear it.  As the beauty of youth slips away, no matter how hard they've tried to hang onto it, reality hits.  We're getting old, we haven't achieved all that we'd hoped, we're not as happy as we thought we'd be in our lives and sadly, in our relationships, too.  And then all of a sudden, the values we've  purported to believe become twisted and spun into self serving weapons. I've outgrown you. Why can't you be like _______?  I've become more spiritual than you.

You mean while your spouse has been out working 40 hours a week plus all the overtime available to make you happy and provide for the family, he hasn't had time to study whatever it is you think he should know?  Or been as big a part of the kids lives as you thought he should be because when he comes home he's tired?  Or because he hasn't jumped on the latest bandwagon you've allowed to take over your life...be that good or bad...but he's allowed you to pursue?  Is it because you feel like you're...better than he is?

That's pride...short and sweet.  It's a trap we could all fall into.  Yeah, life didn't turn out the way we'd planned...but maybe it's better and we can't see it.  The salvation for a lot of marriages comes from stepping back from our anger and bitterness or self absorbed woes to see what God has to say about it. I'm not going to list scripture here but if you need help finding it, let me know.

• First...pride is a sin.  But we all knew that right?
• Second...please don't blame any bad decisions on God. Although the attitude of elevated spirituality (piously disguised as humility) comes across as condescension, it's as transparent as a child thinking you can't see the wiggling bump under the covers because they can't see you. Besides, I'm pretty sure He's not going to like it.
• Third...God is never going to ask us to do something that is a direct violation to His word.  His will for our lives is not going to contradict what He's told us to do.  Like it's okay, now that things didn't turn out the way you'd planned, to walk away from the promises you made at the alter.  Those promises were made to God as well as your spouse.  Or that because you don't want the same things, it's okay not to be submissive. 

(On a side note:  Why are women today so afraid of that word?  It doesn't mean domination or slavery, it means security and teamwork. Many of us today have become control freaks!  You know it's true!  We've been home all day bossing the kids around and planning every move they make (especially we homeschooling moms) and how things are gonna be and we can't give up the control when it's time to make decisions for the entire family.  Yes, our opinion is important and a wise husband takes that into consideration, but the teamwork required for a biblical marriage also makes the husband the team captain!  He considers the options and makes the call with the input of his team.  It's his job! And ours is to go out and execute the plan...as a TEAM. Not to go out and do our own thing in opposition to the plan.  Now I'm not a big football fan but I know that when the team is in the huddle, and the play is set, the players don't go out and decide to something completely different.  Yeah, they have to make choices and they may have to tweak  things a bit as the other team closes in but they can't disregard the play because they don't want to do it that way.  Their teammates can't read their mind.  They may have their moment to shine as an individual but they won't last long on the team if they don't play together.)

Okay, I guess I'll stop now.  I just needed to get that out.  Sometimes it makes me crazy to watch people who would have others think they are so perfect, spiritual and humble get to the point where they can't maintain it any more...they crash and burn, hurting people and dragging others down along with them.  Everything is someone else's fault and they try to justify their sinful behavior by making themselves the victim.  Then they top it off with the idea that God was really directing them to make this decision that is clearly a conflict to what He tells us in His Word.

Here's another old saying..."Two wrongs don't make a right."

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,
Wanderer

Just FYI...In Case You Were Wondering

Felt like I needed to say that I've been in a sort of funk the last several months and have found it hard to write much.  I haven't given up but I'm behind.
Besides the blank feeling, I've had a few extra things going on in my life.  So all this to say, hopefully, I'll see you on the other side of whatever this is very soon.

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,
Wanderer

The Wall #43

Jenny's reached the 100th Saturday Centus and in honor of that milestone, she's using her very first prompt over again.  This one is more lengthy than her later prompts and poses a challenge much more specific.  She's giving us a word limit of 100 words plus the prompt to see where life takes us.  To join in with your own take on this story line or read what others have written, click on the Saturday Centus badge to the left.
Here's my spin...

 ~ My untied shoelace changed my life. As I leaned down to retie it, I kicked away a few leaves. When I turned my head slightly to look where the leaves had been, I was astonished to see a rubber-banded wad of hundred dollar bills nestled in a little indention in the muddy ground.

I stood up slowly and took a nonchalant look around. There didn't appear to be anyone watching so I finished tying my shoe and scooped up the bundle as casually as I could considering how fast my heart was beating. Once I'd stashed it in my bag, I peered into the opening, turning the soggy bundle over. There was a note attached that read, “If you want the key, meet me at 7PM at the old house. Bring the money. Come alone.”

Feeling like a deer, caught in the headlights, I slowly lowered my bag and looked around, again. ~

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,
Wanderer

The Wall #42

We're closing in on two years of Saturday Centus prompts from our fearless leader, Jenny Matlock.  I've only been along for the ride for 40+ weeks and I've been having such a good time dreaming up an ongoing story that works within her guidelines.  Today, she's given us 100 words plus the prompt.

Here we go!

~ Walking past the bakery, I noticed a man leaning over the counter as if to tell the baker a secret but speaking boisterously. 
 Through the screen door, I heard, "I'm living the dream, man...nothing's gonna get in my way. Once I've finished this job, I'll be rollin' in dough!" 
The baker smiled a wry smile and shook his head. He looked up as I passed and quickly looked away. The fellow began to turn around but something told me to duck out of sight.
Judging by the slang he'd used, the fellow was an American. Did this have something to do with me? ~

Pondering My Meanderings...
with much herbal love,
Wanderer