There is an anger that lurks deep in the heart. A bitter wall of longing and separation that eats at the soul and mind until an impenetrable shell with barbs and flashes of stinging words effectively exclude the very affection the heart desires. The enemy has defeated the senses, filling them with only self inspired loathing and hurt which spews from the mouth without care or discretion in an effort to cast down and belittle anyone who dares to reach out without complete abandon to the opinions and understanding of the dictator. All things done out of kindness are twisted into malicious intent...all questions into hurtful accusations...all pleas for approval and love, dashed in a topsy-turvy effort to keep ANYONE from getting inside, all the while blaming them for not caring.
Requests must be met in exact detail, immediately without any hesitation... no thought for the responsibilities of others ...no variations allowed. There is no way to understand or consider the feelings and actions of others, except to see their weakness and stupidity. No compassion, no forgiveness, no mercy, no compromise, in spite of the fact that all these things are either expected in return or believed to be unnecessary for their own hurtful actions. There is only one interpretation, only one possible meaning, one intention...to somehow hurt or take advantage of the being inside the shell. The cage that shrinks with every nasty, hurtful thing that's said in response to others who are trying to please or help until the confines have completely cut off any outside influence.
The bitterness wins.
The enemy triumphant.
The captive...alone in a prison of their own making...because of bitterness, unforgiveness, anger and hate. A pitiful multifaceted personality that can change with little provocation into a prodding, vengeful, hedgehog of a being that feels unloved because they won't allow anyone to love them.
Where did this bitterness come from? I think I know. The hurt of a parent who strikes out and takes away childhood...uses their fists and body to make people do what they want...thinks that their needs/wants are the only ones that matter. Do dictators create dictators? Are the actions of a parent responsible for forming the worldview of the children? Do personalities influence how the dictatorship affects the children? Why do some rise above while others are oppressed? Are words and actions as hurtful and influential as fists and physical domination?
Unconditional love says that even though this may be the case, we are to love anyway. How does that look? At what cost to ourselves and our family? Can we fix it? Sometimes the best we can do is love from afar. Much like the gift of salvation, love is a gift that can be accepted or rejected. Does the rejection mean the love is faulty or unreal? It's a struggle that's been raging for the biggest part of a century and as time and age take their toll, the walls become thicker and the rejection more bitter.
The irony of the situation is that the very desires of the heart are the ones that are rejected the most. It's not logical but most dealings of the heart are not ruled by logic. The downward spiral of a self defeating spirit cannot be changed from the outside...change is a heart issue that begins within.
Pondering My Meanderings...