July 24, 2011

Sometimes I feel listless...sort of disconnected.  Sometimes I wonder what's to become of me.  There are hurtles in my life that I just cannot seem to overcome.  Sometimes it makes me strong and sometimes it brings me to my knees.  But I have to keep moving forward.

Not to say that those hurtles are the most important things in my life, just that they are sort of nagging.  Just hanging on and will probably never change because they are things that effect me but are out of my control.  My goal is to focus on the here and now, for the most part.  I'd like to say that I never fail to spend time in the Word or that I pray about every action I take in advance but it wouldn't be true.  There's so much I'd like to do but it seems like there's a low riding cloud cover that muffles my attempts. 

Maybe I care too much about what other people think.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a big part of it.  Not that I always change my direction because of what they think...and that's where I've always gotten myself into trouble.  My problem is that I have ideas of my own and things I'm interested in.  Is that wrong?  I never thought so until the trouble started.  But enough of that. 

I have to learn the lingo, talk the talk and make an effort to appear to be in control.  If all looks good from the outside, folks will think I'm doing fine.  If I can't convince myself, maybe I can fool other people.  And there, in a nutshell, is the real problem.

Pondering My Meanderings,

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