January 6, 2011

Get this weight off my chest!

I feel like I have a huge weight on me today.  On days like this I hate being me.  I'd even go so far as to say that I wish I'd never been born.  And yes, this is all about me and a little on the depressing side but I need to get it off my chest.  Ranting a bit can be quite cleansing.  Call it whining if you like.
That's not to say that I wish I was dead or anything quite so dramatic...just tired of dealing with all the drama and hurt that seem to follow me like ants to a picnic.  Tired of trying so hard only to be put down and tired of feeling all alone and tired of feeling suffocated by my own inability or lack of courage to take control and make things happen so other things won't happen.  Tired of not being able to focus or remember.  Of feeling like a simpleton or that I'm always trying to win the popularity contest but never do.  Bitterness and even a little shortlived but reoccurring hatred.  I don't like that but today it's all pressing hard.
I've some goals for this year and I need courage to realize them.  But what seems to happen is that I end up missing things like pieces to the puzzle or things I need to accomplish other things like knowledge or means or...people. 
But on days like these, the thoughts of moving to a little cabin in the mountains sounds like a really good idea.  Away from all the stuff that hurts.  But I'm sure it would bring its own brand of pain.  There has to be a solace or a comfort that I'm not a terrible person doomed to a life of sorrow and regret.  There are so many things that I have to be thankful for and I am but today, the shadow of other things has created a veil between what I have and what I see.  It consumes me and pushes down until I feel like I'll never be happy again.  It's foolish to feel that way and I know I don't have to go it alone but sometimes I think I have this wall around me that gets stronger and stronger because someone is piling stones around the outside so I can't get out!  I hate being me!  I'm not looking for sympathy but maybe a prayer that I can wrap my head around all this stuff and triumph over it.  Or that I can turn around and face my demons and say with assurance and conviction, "Back off!" or "You have no power here!"  or  "Be gone! before a house falls on you, too!"  Again just ranting and raving to help clear out some of the nasties that haunt me on occasion like a plague that sits dormant until I'm weak and tired.  Then it strikes with a vengeance.  And today's the day.
Lord, can you reach down here and pull me out?  I can see you but you seem so far away!  The weight is almost too much...I feel short of breath.

2 thoughts about my meanderings:

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog. This one and the other one. You remind me of me. :) Lovely to read you.

Wanderer said...

Thanks. I certainly wouldn't have expected a compliment on this post. Sometimes I just need to unload. Hope you'll come back.

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