April 27, 2011

Is it too empty or too full?

Some times I ponder about the course my life has taken.  I'm a bit overwhelmed by some of the pain.  Not that I want to put undo importance on myself or do the whole "low self esteem is really too much self esteem" but it's hard to put it into perspective.  And the very people who are quick to say "Get over it." or "You're making too much of this.", have not walked in my shoes and have not been the one on the receiving end of it for all these years.  However, they are also the ones who are quick to bemoan their own issues and judge others.  It's kind of the "Holier than Thou." sort of thing that makes them think their trials are more trying and their sorrows more sorrowful than those of others.  That's also what makes them unfit to even comment on mine.
Some days, I just don't care.  I may not do everything right or even come close, but I'm doing the best I can, at least the majority of the time.  None of my efforts are worth squat except when I turn them over to God.  Yes, I do the Indian giver thing...here, help me with this... no, not like that, like this...well, You're busy and I need to work this out now so I'll just take it back...it's too heavy!  I can't breathe!...OK, can you help me?  Just reach down here and pull me out...please?...Could you just fix this without me having to change?
I don't understand but there's nothing I can do about it.  I can only change me, not others; so if they want to continue the way things have been going, all I can do is take the fall out and bear it as best I can.
It's true that I'm just a sinner who doesn't deserve any special treatment, in fact, being just that, I deserve every miserable thing that happens and more.  But somehow, it feels like there should be a little hope this side of heaven for some of these things.  Am I really that bad?  I guess when you stop and look at it, maybe the deadliest monster really is me.
So, if that's true, how do I do this?  It's not the storybook or the safe little bubble of a life that some enjoy.  But there has to be meaning here somewhere.  There just has to be...doesn't there?  I WANT the storybook.
And since I can't change anyone but me, I wish I could go back and make decisions that I wanted to make instead of making them to please others who aren't pleased with them anyway. 
If I had the chance to go back, I'd certainly look at things differently.  And I wouldn't allow the bias of someone else to influence the choices I make.  I've made so many mistakes based on the narrow minded, closed opinions of others and for those mistakes, I'll pay eternally.  Oh, I've been forgiven, before the end, by God and someone I've hurt, but I can NEVER, ever get back the time wasted by the foolishness that has been influenced by someone that I thought would never mislead me or hurt me. 
It's long past time that I stopped allowing those influences to govern my life and put all the foolishness aside.  There will always be consequences for my stupidity but I'm thankful for a few moments to set things right or to realize that maybe my reasons were understood a little better than I thought.  That time is something no one can take away from me...ever.  And I thank God for it.
And in the midst of this commentary, I have to stop and look at my life.  Right now, I'm in a period of blessing that I thought would never come.  So how silly is all this?  Imperfection doesn't equal failure.  In spite of myself, I can do good things and experience good things...not because I deserve them but because God loves me.  So where are all these regrets and misgivings coming from?  Me?  No, I don't think so.  There's a joy-sucking, sorrow-mongering, unrest-promoting, self-esteem seeking, wretch who would like nothing better than to turn my thoughts inward to focus on my own poor excuse for a story and divide me from any happiness that comes my way.
Let me just write it down as a record of the realization of what is going on here..."Satan, get thee behind me!"
So, is my cup too empty?  Or too full?  I'm thinking its really too full but in my wretched state of mind, I couldn't see it that way.

There are those who say that these raw, vulnerable posts should be saved for a private diary or never spoken out loud because pride and the chance that it shows us in the light of a fallen star are not the kind of words that should come from our mouths.  You know, don't air your dirty laundry.  I disagree.  There maybe folks who read this and know exactly where I'm standing today...they may be there too.  If I can start out on such a low note and write myself into a state of awareness that brings me back into the path I'm meant to follow, maybe I can bring someone else along with me.  Maybe they feel what I feel but aren't in the frame of mind to even reach out for help today.  If reading my vulnerability lets them know they are not alone and can encourage them to seek the help they need then I don't mind if I sound like a pitiable fool.

So, today, I will take courage.  Today, I will act like the warrior princess I am meant to be and fight the good fight! That's a story worth reading.  I am worthy because Christ died for me.

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