April 13, 2014

Is it possible to live in a house with people who care about you and love you and still feel alone?  Is it possible to know that my heavenly Father loves me and still feel like....this?
It's been a curious few months.  My mom found out that she's sick again, it's not good.  I'm trying to help out some and take her where she needs to go.  My daughter got engaged in Dec.and is getting married in two weeks.  It's Mr. Wood's birthday, Palm Sunday, next week is Easter...and then the wedding.  Maybe it's the fact that I feel like I don't really know who I am that makes things so hard to handle.  Yes, I know who I am supposed to be, a child of the one true King, a wife a mother, a daughter.  Maybe I imagine that those things mean something that they don't mean.  The way I think those things should be and the way I feel that they are don't come out the same.  I'm happy about the marriage.  I love my soon to be son and I know he will take good care of my Goosie.  He's a pastor/missionary heading to Africa if all goes as planned.  But I'm not good with goodbyes and that's kind of what this is.  An end but a new beginning.  New beginnings are good, right?  He always says that the way people perceive things becomes their reality.  I can understand that.  But I don't like it.  What I know and what I feel are two completely different things.  And my little Squirt isn't so little any more.  My homeschooling days are over, I'm still at loose ends with where that leaves me.  I've been married for 30 years and I know that decade seems to be when most things fall apart. It's hard to be what I'm supposed to be when I'm not sure about or happy with the "me" I have to work with.  but I know I fall short of the wife I should/could be.  My mind is foggy, sometimes. I feel listless.  There are so many things I need to do and I don't know where to begin.  I bring "things" into the house because it feels like I'm creating security for myself...but I'm not.  I have a lot of ideas for things I'd like to do/make from other things that are here and I think I need to stop waiting for approval/help from anyone and just do it.  It wouldn't take much money...just time and clear thinking.  But first things first.  This week; appointments, wedding greenery, setting the stage for the ceremony, finalizing wedding food/clothes/shoes, Easter, time for me and God, 2 last weeks with Goosie that I've started out messing up because I have all this stupid baggage in my head.  Why do I need to have approval from everyone?  It's so crippling to be so dependent on whether or not people are happy with me.  And maybe, if they are not happy with me, it's their problem and not always mine.  But it always feels like mine.  So, all this is heaped on my head and I feel like I'm being crushed under a load that, for the most part, should be light, not heavy.  Happy times, right?  And, yet, there's this weight.  emotional and physical. On my heart.  On my chest.  On my body.  This doubt.  I don't want it...but I don't know how to unload it. Stress...in my opinion, it is the most destructive disease known to man.  Physical ailments can be seen and treated, but these misfires in my head are harder to fix...that lifetime of stamping and patterning is gonna take longer than I have to undo.  Dear Lord, You are an Awesome God.  Please help me bear all this and manage everything in a manner that is glorifying to you and loving to those around me.  Guide me to do my best.  I hope you don't see me the way I see myself.  I need You. Amen.  I think in the midst of all this fear and doubt, would be a good time to start a thankfulness journal.  I have Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts but I've only read a little.  We studied it in SS but I missed a few.  Squeezing in a few of her videos with the girls before the wedding seems hard to make happen.  I guess part of my problem is that I resent that...having to plan a minute together when I'm pulled in a web of directions.  A list of things that I have or experience, good things,...none of which I deserve but by which I am blessed.  Maybe things will look brighter and feel lighter.  Here's hoping.


Pondering My Meanderings... with much herbal love, Wanderer

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